[Music clip: Haydn's Derbyshire Marches.]
01 — Intro. See, that Jonah Goldberg been, um, talking down to white people … on this liberal fascism … I want to cut his royalties off [scissors sound] … Hey, guys, we on the air yet? No? All right, just give me the signal. That Kathy Lopez … talking down to Protestants … I want to, er, … Oh, we're going on air now? Great. Let's go. Three, two, … Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. John Derbyshire here with your weekly instalment of mean-spirited and inappropriate commentary from Radio Derb. A concatenation of circumstances caused last week's broadcast to be canceled, for which I offer my humblest, most obsequious, most groveling apologies … and if that isn't sufficient, you can go boil your heads. On with the motley!
02 — Obama: "Learn Spanish!" Barack Obama thinks all our kids should learn Spanish. Quote: "You need to make sure your child can speak Spanish." End quote. I think this is a really bad idea. I believe, in fact, that the teaching of Spanish to native-English-speaking Americans should be severely discouraged, if not banned. The more of us can speak Spanish to native-Spanish-speaking Americans, the less incentive there will be for them to learn English, which even Obama believes, or pretends to believe, they ought to do. If the only people in the USA that could speak Spanish were those immigrants who brought it with them, then those immigrants would assimilate much faster. Obama actually went further in his speech, descending from error to rank stupidity. Quote: "It's embarrassing when Europeans come over here … they all speak English … and then we go over to Europe and all we can say is merci beaucoup." End quote. You know Europe — that place where everybody speaks French. O—K, let's imagine we have attained Senator Obama's dream, and every American is fluent in Spanish. How exactly will that help us in Europe? Except, of course, for that one corner of Europe — it's 11 percent of the area, nine percent of the population — that speaks Spanish. How will speaking Spanish help me in Berlin, Budapest, Belgrade, Bordeaux, or Brussels? Here you see the real problem: With the whole world awash in English, anyone who is raised speaking some other language gets a huge value-added from learning English. What similar incentive is there for a native English-speaker to learn French, German, or any other language — Spanish last of all, for the aforementioned reason. Personally, I'm going to stick with the rule my parents taught me: If you're not making yourself understood to a foreigner, talk LOUDER.
03 — Oil price manipulation? Here's a thought about oil prices. It's not an original thought — I've seen it in a couple of places — but it doesn't get talked about half as much as, it seems to me, it ought to. If you can manipulate the price of a commoddity — cause it to swing up or down dramatically — you can make a quick killing in the commodites markets. (Hillary Clinton can explain the commodities markets to you, if you're not sure how they work.) Well, Middle East politicians can. Make a warlike speech, rattle your nation's sabers, and you spook the market. The oil price goes up, you exercise your options or contracts, you make a nice little bundle. There must be some of this going on. Anybody ever try to estimate how much?
04 — Black hole in Dallas. Oh boy. There have been some problems with processing traffic tickets in Dallas. The county commissioners had a meeting about it. One of them declared that the central collections office has become, quote, "a black hole." [Alarm sounds] Yep, that's the PC alarms going off. The expression "black hole" upset the black commissioners present, who demanded an apology, and pretty soon we were off to the races, er, so to speak, the way we were a few years back when someone used the word "niggardly." What happened to the old rule I was taught, not to take offense unless offense is plainly intended? "Black hole" is a perfectly respectable term for a region of spacetime where the gravitational field is so strong that nothing, not even light, can attain escape velocity. It's a good figure of speech for any zone of anything that is so dense and thick that nothing useful can come out of it — like the brain of a person who would take angry offense at perfectly ordinary English words and expressions.
05 — McCain's Hispandering. Trying to get any sense into the McCain campaign is uphill work, but I'll keep trying. Once again, Senator: You are currently polling around thirty percent among Latino voters, while Obama polls around 60 percent, the other ten percent undecided. Let's imagine, let's just dream, that by really relentless pandering you could pick up that entire ten percent. Ten percent of the Latino vote is about oh point six percent of the national vote — say seven hundred thousand votes out of 120 million total votes. Terrific. Now, with all that energetic pandering — all those speeches delivered in Spanish, all those promises of amnesty, all those hints that you're not really serious about sealing the border, all that schmoozing with LULAC and Das Volk … oh sorry, I mean La Raza — how many non-Latino voters did you terminally tick off? Whaddya think, John? You're ticking me off already, and my email-bag tells me I'm far from alone on this. You should also consider that there are wheels within wheels in the Latino vote counts. A lot of those seven hundred thousand extra Latino votes you gained will be in California, where they won't do you a bit of good because the state will go Democrat willy-nilly. And then there's Florida, where Latinos are mainly Cuban, and aren't crazy about Mexicans. Are you sure you know what you're doing here, Senator? Let me put it another way: does your campaign have a [bleep] clue what it's doing?
06 — Viagra & watermelons. A couple of news items about Viagra. That's the little blue pill that guys can take to improve their sex life — or so I'm told, I'm working entirely from hearsay here, you understand. I have no need for the stuff myself. The first Viagra item concerns John McCain. Or rather, does not concern John McCain, who, I'm sure, just like yours truly, has never even seen one of those little blue rhombus-shaped pills with "Pfizer" stamped on it. The issue here was health insurance plans that cover Viagra but won't cover birth-control medication for women. There was a vote in the Senate about it, John-John was asked how he'd voted, he said he couldn't recall, and then said, quote: "I certainly do not want to discuss that issue." Well, I guess at least that puts a little distance between McCain and that other war hero who decided to run for president after warming a Senate seat for 22 years — what was the guy's name? Whatever … Hastening on, some researchers at Texas A&M university's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center have discovered that watermelons contain a chemical that has similar properties to Viagra. That's the good news. The bad news is, that most of this fortifying chemical is in the rind, not the flesh, of the watermelon. So you have to eat the rind, which tastes terrible — tastes even worse than Viagra pills, in fact. I mean, so I'm told — I have no idea how Viagra tastes, personally. And after that black hole story from Dallas, I'm surprised we're still allowed to say "watermelon."
07 — Iraqi govt. wants us out. Meet Mr. Mouwaffak al-Rubaie, the national security adviser to the government of Iraq. Mr. al-Rubaie is negotiating a security agreement with U.S. officials. Some kind of agreement is necessary because the United Nations mandate for our presence expires at the end of this year. Well, Mr. al-Rubaie has said that his government won't sign any deal unless it includes a timetable for U.S. troop withdrawals. Personally I would have preferred something with the words "Thank you" in it, but I'll settle for what Mr. al-Rubaie wants. Quote from the Associated Press report, quote: "Iraq's government has felt increasingly confident in recent weeks about its authority and the country's improved stability. Iraqi officials have sharpened their public stance in the negotiations considerably in just the last few days. Violence in Iraq has fallen to its lowest level in four years. The change has been driven by the 2007 buildup of American forces, the Sunni tribal revolt against al-Qaida in Iraq and crackdowns against Shiite militias and Sunni extremists." End quote. Let me just translate that for you, listeners. The Iranian-backed government we installed in Baghdad has watched with glee as our troops killed all their enemies, and they now feel pretty sure that if we'd just get the hell out of the way, they can finish off the job. Well, jolly good luck to them. Let's get the heck out of that sinkhole and leave the Iraqis to do what they like to do — which is, kill, cook and eat each other. Pity we can't take a few of their stinking oil wells with us. It would be some compensation for all the blood and treasure we've spent trying to civilize the un-civilizable. If Iran wants Iraq for their puppet, let 'em have it, and good luck to them too. You want us out, Mr. al-Rubaie? That's what we want, too. I think we have a meeting of minds here.
08 — ChiComs' Olympic paranoia. President Bush has confirmed that he'll be heading to Peking for the opening of the Olympic Games. He's a brave man. The paranoia of the ChiCom authorities has now risen to the point where anyone in the city who speaks above a whisper, or runs in the street without authorization, is pounced on by a SWAT team and hustled off to a twenty-year sentence breaking rocks in Tibet (which is of course a part of China, and has been since the beginning of time — since before life first appeared on Earth, in fact). The President would be wise to walk slowly and speak softly. And try not to cough too much: the ChiComs are awfully sensitive about the air quality in Peking. The London Sunday Times snuck an industrial hand-held air monitor into Peking to measure the number of particles in the atmosphere, particles being the biggest polluting factor. They reported a measurement at the Olympic stadium of 780 thousand particles per liter of air. The World Health Organization considers anything above 105 thousand to be a health risk. The particle count in Tiananmen Square was a bit lower — only four times the WHO limit. The trouble with holding events in Tiananmen Square, though, is dodging all those tanks. Yeah, it's going to be a fun Olympics.
09 — Mugabe wins election! Congratulations to Robert Mugabe on winning the runoff election in Zimbabwe! Well done, Cap'n Bob! We understand, of course, that you had to play a bit rough. Quote from the BBC: "The opposition says more than 100 of its supporters have been killed since March, some 5,000 are missing and more than 200,000 have been forced from their homes." Well, serves them right for trying to stand against the forces of history. Ungrateful swine! — after you liberated all those farms from their evil white owners and restored them to full agricultural productivity. Anyway, your pals in the African Union all think the election result was tickety-boo. They had an all-Africa summit last week in the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, and passed a resolution of non-criticism, quote: "encouraging the parties to honour their commitment to participate in dialogue." End quote. There was also a vote of thanks to your best pal, South African President Thabo Mbeki, for all he has done to help you keep power in Zimbabwe. You're doing fine, Cap'n Bob. So what if inflation is running at over a million percent, and a packet of local coffee beans cost a billion Zimbabwe dollars? That's just an imperialist plot to destabilize your government. Don't give in to them, Cap'n Bob! You're Africa's hero. That's what the African Union seems to think, anyway.
10 — Strange births. A couple of newsworthy obstetric events since I last reported to you, listeners. In Oregon, a 34-year-old man has given birth to a baby girl. At just about the same time, over in India, a 70-year-old woman has given birth to twins. Reproductive technology marches on. I'd like to say something interesting about this, but my mind isn't working properly today — you know, it's that time of the month …
11 — Dog lovers. "The more I see of men, the better I like dogs," said Madame Roland. The good lady later had her head removed in the French Revolution, and since this was done by men, not dogs, you could say the act vindicated her opinion. A lot of us feel the same way, actually. Psychologists have tended to see this as a failing — to regard people who prefer the company of non-humans as inadequate, unable to form healthy emotional bonds with their fellow human beings. Well, that has been disproved. A study done at Wright State University in Ohio, reported in the April issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, found that subjects who were most strongly attached to their dogs did not show high levels of anxiety or avoidance. The lead researcher said, quote, "people strongly attached to their pet dogs do not turn to those pets as substitutes for failed interactions with humans." End quote. Of course we don't. We animal lovers can form healthy bonds with other human beings, we just choose not to.
12 — Obama & Hitler waxwork. Speaking of decapitations, here's a news story from Berlin: a wax dummy of Barack Obama was decapitated in front of the Brandenburg Gate last weekend … No, wait a minute, that can't be right — hey, guys, who's been messing with my transcript here? Who was in this recording studio ahead of me? Who? Jesse Jackson? Well, that explains it. OK, hold on, let me see if I can sort this out … right, got it. There are actually two stories here, they just got mixed up somehow. Story number one: A waxworks museum opened in Berlin, near the Brandenburg Gate, and featured a lifesize wax dummy of Adolf Hitler. The very first day the museum was open, a pacifist jumped over the barrier and twisted the Führer's head right off. I suppose he yelled something like Sic semper tyrannis! though you can't help thinking that his deed would have been a bit more impressive if carried out seventy years earlier. The story that got tangled up with this by some malicious person was one about Barack Obama's European tour, scheduled for later this month. The Germans are suggesting a big speech at the Brandenburg Gate, and you can bet Obama won't turn that down. Anything, anything to buff up the notion that Obama is JFK reincarnated. Never mind that JFK was a mediocre president who gave gassy nonsensical speeches to crowds of swooning teeny-boppers; never mind that Ich bin ein Berliner means "I am a jelly doughnut"; never mind that JFK's election campaign was so crooked no self-respecting corkscrew would shake hands with it. Oh well, at least Obama isn't likely to make his brother Attorney-General. Hello, what's this that someone left on the desk here? A CD with IMPORTANT OBAMA SPEECH written on it in magic marker. Hm. All right, let's see what the guy has to say. But who left the CD here, I wonder? Oh well, just play it, would you, guys? Thanks. Here you go. [Hitler clip]
13 — Signoff. That's it, folks. More from Radio Derb next week. In the meantime this is John Derbama … no, darn it, sorry, I mean John Derbyshitler … oh, the heck with it: this is me wishing you a very good weekend and a useful and remunerative week to follow.
[Music clip: More Haydn.]