[Music clip: Haydn's Derbyshire Marches.]
01 — Intro. Buenos días, señoras y señores. Le acogemos con satisfacción a nuestra difusión. Mi nombre es Juan Derbyshire y usted está escuchando Radio Derb … [Pause] Sorry? [Distant voice] Excúseme, oyentes … Say again … Oh right. Good. Well, thank goodness for that. See, we've had this new directive from the federal Department of Multicultural Enforcement that from now on, alternate broadcasts have to be in Spanish for balance. Since my Spanish needs a little work, as you can tell, we applied for a waiver, but it hadn't come through from Washington when we started the broadcast, and of course we didn't want to get in trouble with the feds. Now I'm told the waiver's finally arrived, so I can proceed in English. Better late than never, I guess. Ok, whadda we got.
02 — Debate. Well, we got one of those infernal debates, another truckload of horse manure about how I'm going to reduce your taxes like this, and, well, I'm going to reduce your taxes like that; and then I'm going to get you affordable health care by doing this, and I'm going to get you affordable health care by doing that; and here's my plan to make sure you have a house and can send your kids to college, and here's my plan to make sure you have a house and can send your kids to college; and by golly, I'll have us independent of Mideast oil by 2012, and heck, I'll have us independent of Mideast oil by next February; and I'll eliminate unnecessary programs, and by jiminy I'll eliminate even more unnecessary programs; and ethanol subsidies and geothermal energy and earmarks and the national debt and FDR and … [Snoring sound] Look, listener, I am not a natural cynic, honestly I'm not. I believe a citizen should keep up with the political life of the Republic, and try to make informed voting choices. But really, do you believe either of these guys? Is it not clear to you, as it is to me, that either one of them will be swept away by events the moment he assumes office, and end up doing none of these wonderful things he's promising? Is it not clear to you, as it is to me, that talk of reducing taxes for anyone at all is gibbering fantasy, with a trillion-dollar deficit on the horizon, the dollar headed for the edge of a cliff, and the baby-boomer entitlements tsunami about to hit the beach? Do you believe either of these guys — either the cranky old Senate seat-warmer with his campaign staff stuffed up with employees of the Mexican government, or the slick yuppie who never had to struggle for anything in his life, never did a day's useful work in his life, and has his campaign staff stuffed up with aging hippies and college-radical diversity enforcers? Well, I don't, and I won't be voting for either of these men for president. Sarah Palin's the only bright spot on either ticket, and she's having the conservatism hammered out of her in marathon sessions with indoctrinators for the Republican National Committee. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, they'll make sure Sarah has the RINO chip implanted in her brain before inauguration day. Or if the operation doesn't take, they'll just replace her with a lifelike robot from the Stepford Wives set, programmed to say nothing that would bring a blush to the cheek of anyone in the Washington establishment. [Robot voice] "We must increase funding for No Child Left Behind … We must enact comprehensive immigration reform … We must open our markets to our trade partners overseas … I'll die if I don't get this recipe …"
03 — Race card. If you read mainstream commentators, or if, like me, you have the misfortune to number liberals among your personal acquaintances, you will know that the desperate Republicans have resorted to the race card. They are of course too cowardly to come right out and say what they think, but it's all there in the code words, as numerous perceptive people have pointed out. John McCain was playing the race card for all he was worth in Wednesday night's debate. You didn't notice? Well, that just proves how subtle these racist Republicans are. Let me clue you in to a few of the coded terms McCain was using to play on our fears and prejudices. Quote from McCain: "She [that is, Sarah Palin] has ignited our party and people all over America …" Ignited! If that isn't an invitation to McCain supporters to go and torch black churches, I don't know what is. And then, quote: "If you give me the extraordinary honor of serving as your president, I will work every single day, tirelessly, on your behalf." The implication here is perfectly obvious, isn't it? Barack Obama, being a black man, is lazy and shiftless, and will not work tirelessly. Again, quote from Simon Legree McCain: "we all know the state of the Washington, D.C., school system." See that? Blaming the victim! Bull Connor McCain is implying that the DC school system is in bad shape because it's full of black kids, when everyone knows the true reason is, it's shamefully underfunded by the white political establishment of DC. What other racist innuendo did we hear spewed out by Lester Maddox McCain? Well, here he is paying tribute to, quote: "the eloquence of Senator Obama." See the subtext there? Senator Obama, George Wallace McCain is telling us, is one of those smooth-talking black preacher types conning poor churchgoers out of their savings so he can build a fancy twelve-bedroom house for himself way far away from the ghetto, like … like … well, nobody comes to mind, but you know the kind of preacher he means. This is worse that that guy — who was it? I forget — my memory must be going — back in the primaries sneering at Obama for being "articulate." Who was that? I can't recall — never mind.
04 — Free speech. There's no doubt, at any rate, which side in this election represents the totalitarian tendency. Behind Barack Obama's soft voice and engaging smile there is the brutish intolerance of the radical Left, and it's showing all over. Did you catch the YouTube video of that McCain-Palin march through Manhattan's Upper West Side? If you haven't seen it, go to YouTube and search on "Pro-McCain March in Manhattan." The primary form of political expression on the tony and expensive Upper West Side seems to be sticking a middle finger in the air. The primary physiological response to the sight of people quietly walking along the street holding McCain-Palin signs is frothing at the mouth. Fist-shaking, jeering, booing, and four-letter words are the other favored responses of New York's financial and educational elite to the Republican ticket. These are white liberals, but black liberals are no different. Down in Prince George's County, Maryland, which is an upper-middle-class dormitory zone for federal government workers with a 67 percent black demographic, the owner of a hotel put a McCain-Palin sign in his forecourt. This caused outrage among local people. Quote from a local community activist, reported in the Washington Post, quote: "Obama supporters should see the sign as a reminder that they should stay vigilant." Yes, Sir; gotta stay vigilant against criminal activities like putting up McCain-Palin signs. Maybe they need Neighborhood Watch. The president of the county NAACP chapter — yes of course the NAACP got involved — he said the reason the sign cut so deeply was that this hotel had booked Democratic events in the past. If you can follow the gentleman's logic there, you're smarter than I am. I myself live in a zip code that's 85.1 percent white, according to zipskinny.com. There are Obama signs all over — three just in my street. Local businesses have them too. I go past them every day, walking my dog. They've been there for a while. Nobody seems to mind. I guess we Long Islanders are just more tolerant than the folk in Manhattan and Maryland.
05 — Madonna. Meanwhile, pop star Madonna has something to tell you about her street — which, for the record, is Great Cumberland Place, London W1. What Madonna wants to tell you, in fact what she told a cheering audience at a recent concert, is, quote, "Sarah Palin — off my street!" The sinewy songstress went on to aver, in reference to Governor Palin, that, quote: "I will kick her ass." Y'know, Madonna, I'd be a little careful with statements like that. I'm not personally acquainted with the Governor of Alaska … wait a minute: shouldn't that be "Governess" … oh never mind; as I said, I'm not personally acquainted with the lady, but she gives me the impression of being a person who can take pretty good care of herself in the heiny-kicking department, at least until she gets that RINO chip implanted and becomes the kinder'n'gentler Mrs. Palin. Madonna meanwhile has run into a spot of bother with her marriage to Guy Ritchie. Looks like the marriage is over after seven and a half years (that's 52½ in human marriage-years). Apparently the split has been caused by a difference over religion. No, it's not that Madonna is Catholic while Ritchie is Anglican — nothing so old-fashioned and boring. No, you see, Madonna is a devotee of this Kabbalah cult. Those are the people who sell you a piece of red string for forty dollars, telling you it'll keep you safe, make you rich, and inprove your sex life. Matter of fact, I bought one of those red strings myself; they had a discount sale on the web and I got it for just 36 dollars. Well, the very next day I won the office pool on who would be the next prominent conservative to endorse Barack Obama! You can't tell me that's just coincidence. Ritchie, however, has backslid from Kabbalist orthodoxy, become a skeptic about the whole thing. In the pithy words of an aquaintance quoted by the London Daily Mail, Guy thinks it's, quote, "a load of b-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk," end quote. All good showbiz fun, I suppose, but with one very ugly downside: Madonna will be moving back to the U.S.A. We'd been getting along so well without her. Just don't move to my street, please, lady.
06 — ACORN. Radio Derb's position on the right to vote is, I think, well known across the length and breadth of the nation, viz., we believe the only people who should be allowed to vote are those who have served in the military or merchant marine, those who have paid at least twenty thousand dollars in federal taxes in each of the past five years, and those whose last names are anagrams of SHERBYDIRE. Pending the necessary constitutional amendments, however, we are stuck with the present system, under which absolutely anyone is entitled to vote, including dead people, convicted felons, illegal immigrants, and Sponge Bob Square Pants. Not only is everyone entitled to vote, in fact, but everyone is entitled to vote at least two hundred times, at least in precincts where ACORN has been active. ACORN — that's the Association of Committed Obama Radical Nuisances, or possibly the Anarchists for Corrupting and Overthrowing Republican Nationhood, or perhaps Alliance of Community Organizers for Registering the Nonexistent — ACORN was the outfit that pushed for looser lending standards by banks; and then, when Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae balked at buying up the shoddy mortgages generated thereby, pushed for loosening Freddie and Fannie's purchasing standards, contributing mightily to our current financial crisis. In gratitude for their efforts, Congress has voted to send federal money to ACORN, so that they can carry on their good work of wrecking the national economy at taxpayer expense. Not content with helping destroy the credit markets, and getting clueless congresscritters to pay them for the achievement, ACORN is also working hard to destroy the integrity of our voting system. Ohio, which is a swing state, is a particular focus of their interest. ACORN activists have been handed felony indictments in two precincts, and a criminal investigation is under way in Cuyahoga County, where the same guy's name turned up on 73 registration cards. It's not just Ohio. ACORN personnel are facing criminal charges in over a dozen states. In Washington State, for example, seven ACORN leaders had felony charges filed against them for voter fraud. Well, well. Mighty oaks from little acorns grow, my Mum used to tell me. Looks like she was right, with the mighty oaks here being voter-registration scams. What a good thing it is that the Democratic Presidential candidate never, never in his life, had anything whatsoever to do with this crooked, unscrupulous enemy of democracy. We know he didn't, because he told us so. Why would he lie about a thing like that?
07 — French soccer. Here's a story that touched my heart. Over in France the other day, the French national soccer team played a game against Tunisia in Paris. At the commencement of the game, a lady sang the French national anthem, the Marseillaise. As she did so, there was booing and jeering from the stands, which were full of first, second, and third generation North African immigrants. What warmed my heart was, that the French government has taken a strong line. In future, said Rosalynne Bachelot, the nation's sports minister, any game at which the national anthem is booed will be stopped immediately, and games with the country concerned will be suspended for a period to be determined. The French have been getting fed up with all this disrespect for their nationhood from people who have been accorded the privilege of French citizenship. Back in 2002, Jacques Chirac actually stormed out of a game at which there was booing from Corsican fans. The Marseillaise has also been booed at games against Algeria and Morocco, both former French colonies. Well, good for the French for taking a strong line here … though you can't help thinking it would have been even better for France if they had never let these resentful and unassimilable North African immigrants settle in their country in the first place. Post-colonial guilt has a lot to answer for. Here's a similar incident from the news back in 1998. In this incident, and I'm just going to quote from the news story here, the national soccer team was not only booed and jeered throughout the entire game, they were continually pelted with water, beer and in some cases solid objects like fruit from the over 60,000 fans in attendance. One player was hit with a water balloon during a corner kick attempt. As the team left the field at the end of both halves, beer and other debris rained down on them as they tried to run through the tunnel to their locker room. Boos and whistles drowned out the National Anthem and beer and water rained down on the players as they stood to salute the flag. Fans were attacked too. One group of fans attempted to unroll the host nation's flag but were hit with oranges and cans of beers until they had to roll the flag back up for fear of their lives. Oh, did I mention: that wasn't a French soccer team playing in France, that was the U.S. national team playing in Los Angeles against Mexico. When the U.S. team plays in Mexico, the treatment is even worse: In an Olympic Qualification Soccer Match in Guadalajara in 2004, Mexican fans drowned out the U.S. national anthem with their booing, and during the game they chanted "Osama! Osama!" Now here's a thing I'm quietly wondering to myself. Suppose an American president was present at a soccer game where that happened. Would he storm out angrily, as Jacques Chirac did in 2002? And would our government then call for the suspension of all games where such insults were made, as the French government has just done? Would such things happen in an Obama presidency? Or a McCain presidency? Or for that matter a George W. Bush presidency? I wish I could say I am sure they would. I really wish.
08 — Miscellany. What else have we got?
Item: A state senator in Nebraska, one Ernie Chambers, has tried to sue God, seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty to prevent the "death, destruction and terrorisation" He habitually causes. The lawsuit was thrown out on the grounds that the defendant has no known address.
Item: In the emirate of Dubai, in the Persian Gulf, a British couple — a man and a woman, I am very glad to say — have been sentenced to three months imprisonment for making the beast with two backs on a beach. In case you're wondering, as I was, why anyone would want to do that particular thing on a sandy beach, the BBC tells us that they were in fact on a lounge chair when discovered. Plans to film a remake of From Here to Eternity in Dubai have been suspended indefinitely.
Item: Speaking of films: fans of ten-pin bowling, bimbos with a missing toe, people who object to the word "Chinaman," people who don't object to the f-word, Vietnam veterans, and homeowners who like the way a well-placed rug really ties a room together, will know that this month is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Big Lebowski. [Lebowski clip]
Item: Which Japanese government official said the following thing on September 24, quote: "Definitely, we Japanese do not like or desire foreigners," end quote. Well, that would be Mr. Nariaki Nakayama. What position does Mr. Nakayama hold in the Japanese government? Why, he's the Minister for Tourism, what else?
Item: Saudi Arabia has announced plans to erect the world's tallest building in the city of Jeddah. It will be more than 3,000 feet high and will contain anti-aircraft defenses to foil any Christian suicide hijackers trying to crash into it.
Item: Oh, what's this a little further down the story, quote: "The booming city of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates has also said it will build a building over 3,000 feet high," end quote. Should give a good view of what's happening on the beach.
Item: The stock market in Iraq is having a boom — that's a figurative boom, not the more traditional kind of Iraqi boom, though they'll probably be having that too if some investor loses his shirt and decides to take a couple of brokers out with him.
Item: The New York exchange tanked, as investors clamored to transfer their funds to Baghdad.
Item: In other financial news, the spot rate of annual inflation in Zimbabwe reached 230 million percent.
Item: And what's this story? Quote: "Millions around the world are marking the United Nations' first Global Handwashing Day." Well, let's hope those two Brits in Dubai were aware of that. Any time I read about the hygienic benefits of hand washing I'm afraid it brings to mind the sign that hung in the washroom at Auschwitz, according to Primo Levi: Nach dem Abort, vor dem Essen, waschen hände, nicht vergessen. "After using the bathroom and before eating, don't forget to wash your hands."
10 — Signoff. That's it, playmates. Short measure this week, I'm afraid. Poor Derb is in book hell, with bits and pieces of his next opus scattered all around like body parts in Dr. Frankenstein's lab, or like blobs of mercury refusing to come together in one nice big fat blob, and publisher and agent are hammering on the door demanding the goods. It'll get done somewhow, as they always do, but this last stretch is more grueling than watching a presidential debate. Not that I'm complaining; I have work and I can support my family, and that's not nothing in these rough times. Any of you listeners out there who've lost your jobs or business in this crisis, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I've been unemployed, I know what it means. Don't despair, hustle and struggle, get back on your feet, get back in the game, and damn good luck to you all. More from Radio Derb next week. To see us out, in honor of the great French nation, and in recognition of the splendid blow they have just struck, however late, against multiculturalism, here's La Musique de la Garde Républicaine with, if anyone wants my opinion, one of the world's better national anthems.
[Music clip: Marseillaise.]