[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]
01 — Intro. … Oh, we've started? … Sorry, sorry … you just caught me watering my Chia Obama there. OK, here we are once again with another edition of Radio Derb. Now, I've had some peevish complaints that Radio Derb is too negative and depressing. Here's what I say to that: WELCOME TO REALITY! Suck it up, listeners; or, if you can't face the truth, go join the local chapter of your Democratic Party so you can sit round in the Wednesday Evening hope-and-change circle chanting "Yes we can!", singing Kumbaya, and sticking pins in wax figurines of Newt Gingrich and Bill O'Reilly. Radio Derb is not for the faint-hearted. On with the show.
02 — Obama bows to the king. Well, did he bow or didn't he? A White House spokesman said, on condition of anonymity, quote: "It wasn't a bow. He grasped his hand with two hands, and he's taller than King Abdullah." Yes, it's smart to insist on anonymity when you're telling a whopper. I'm surprised the White House flunkey didn't say Obama had popped a contact lens and gone looking for it on the carpet. For heaven's sake, of course Obama bowed. It's right there on the video we've all seen. The President practically knocked his head on the ground. Why did he bow? Well, Abdullah is (a) a foreigner, and Obama, like every other liberal, thinks that any foreigner is worth ten Americans; (b) a Muslim, and Obama has a sentimental attachment to Muslims for ancestral reasons; and (c) a terrific source of potential income for Democratic ex-Presidents, as Bill Clinton has demonstrated. With all that going for him, it would have been surprising if Abdullah hadn't gotten a bow. There's also the fact of Abdullah having darkish skin, which adds value in the liberal universe. Did anyone tell Obama that Saudi Arabia was importing black African slaves and castrating them into the 1950s, and only officially abolished slavery in 1962, when the President was one year old? Or that there was a vigorous traffic in slaves, run by Arab slave traders, between the Arabian peninsular and the very region of East Africa Obama's paternal ancestors come from, back deep into history? Britain, on the other hand, abolished slavery in all its territories in 1833, and the British Navy shut down the slave trade between other countries, with the loss of many brave British sailors when doing so. So how come Abdullah got the full grovel while Queen Elizabeth just got a nod? Well, because Elizabeth is Christian and has pasty white skin, that's why. Come on, the liberal mentality isn't that hard to understand.
03 — Obama and nukes. In Strasbourg last Friday, President Obama said the following thing, quote: "I had an excellent meeting with President Medvedev of Russia to get started that process of reducing our nuclear stockpiles, which will then give us a greater moral authority to say to Iran, don't develop a nuclear weapon; to say to North Korea, don't proliferate nuclear weapons." Then in Prague on Sunday, the President followed up with this, quote: "as a nuclear power — as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon — the United States has a moral responsibility to act." I'm getting the terrible sinking feeling, not for the first time, that Obama actually believes his own sappy rhetoric. Worse yet: he believes in the image of himself as a healer and reconciler, the image his campaign manager David Axelrod concocted to get him elected. According to this image, the sheer moral wonderfulness of Obama will make things happen. Well, not in North Korea, it won't; and not in Iran, either. The North Koreans and Iranians want nukes, and they've weighed up Obama as an ineffectual windbag who'll do nothing but turn the awesome glow of his moral superiority on them, and push some paper treaties on them for them to sign — which of course they will sign, without any intention of abiding by them. Our nuclear weapons have kept the peace for 64 years. Let's make some more, to make the peace even more secure. If we're not willing to act to stop crazy regimes like North Korea and Iran from getting nukes, let's at lest put the fear of God in them with the biggest, shiniest nuclear stockpile we can make. More nukes! Is it time for a George Orwell quote? Yes, I think it is. Quote from George, quote: "Despotic governments can stand 'moral force' till the cows come home; what they fear is physical force."
04 — Sarkozy on assimilation. French President Nicolas Sarkozy wants his countrymen to fly more flags and sing the national anthem more — [Marseillaise clip], that's the one — to instil a greater sense of national pride. He's also asked his government to clamp down firmly on immigration, to concentrate on integrating immigrants already in the country. He quoted statistics showing that 22 percent of non-Europeans living in France are unemployed, more than twice the rate for French natives. Bold stuff — if an American President said things like that, he'd be listed for Hate Speech by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When he came to office two years ago Sarkozy made a speech saying he would, quote, "restore the value of work, authority, morals, respect, and merit. I will restore national pride and national identity." Looks like he meant it. Good luck to him. And cutting back on immigration when your country's going into deep recession is just common sense. [Klaxon] Oops, sorry, I just set of a political correctness alarm. Sorry, sorry, …
05 — Obama to push amnesty. Cutting back on immigration while your country's going into recession, yeah. Well, there won't be any of that hateful nativist nonsense here! The New York Times reports that the administration is gearing up to push through another amnesty bill this year. Race-hustling Representative Luis Gutierrez has been sent out on a nationwide tour hoping, says the Times, "to generate something like a Civil Rights movement." So apparently it will become a Civil Right to settle in the U.S.A. illegally. From the Times account, Gutierrez' tour seems to include only Hispanic churches. Non-Hispanic Americans will be shut out of this movement as far as possible. Who cares about them? They're all bigots anyway. For fans of clear language that clearly expresses actual thoughts, the most depressing thing about this new amnesty push is seeing all the weary old clichés of the open-borders fanatics wheeled out for service once more. They can't even think up new lies. The President himself said the other day that illegal immigrants, quote, "have to have some mechanism over time to …" To what, Mister President? To what? Say it, preacher, say the words! — Yes! — to "get out of the shadows." [Applause] Mister President, there is a very easy way for any illegal immigrant to get out of the shadows. It's called "going home." Likewise with Representative Gutierrez heart-string-tugging line about how, quote, "Families are being divided and destroyed." There is nothing in U.S. law or immigration enforcement procedures that prevents an illegal immigrant from taking his family with him when he goes home. If families are being divided, it's the illegals themselves who are doing the dividing, and the cynical pols like Obama and Gutierrez who are abetting them. Immigration restrictionists are amazed at the administration's chutzpah. Here's Roy Beck of NumbersUSA, quote: "It just doesn't seem rational that any political leader would say, let's give millions of foreign workers permanent access to U.S. jobs when we have millions of Americans looking for jobs." Roy's missing the point, if he won't mind me saying so. He sees millions of foreign workers; the Democrats see millions of new voters. Getting amnesty past the American public may not be easy though in these hard times. Says the New York Times: "It is unclear who will take up the Obama initiative in Congress." I'll bet it is. Two a.m. … kitchen … light switch … roaches … Before the Democrats can get those twelve million potential voters out of the shadows, Obama will have to get a few Democtaric Congresscritters out of the shadows.
06 — McCain reaches out. "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." Sure enough, here was John McCain on March 11th, "reaching out" to Hispanic voters at a meeting in the U.S. Capitol. Things didn't go quite according to the program. Instead of getting schmoozed, the invited attendees — mostly Hispanic business and lobbyist types — came away insulted. During the course of the meeting, it turned out that John McAmnesty nurses some anger towards Hispanic voters. He'd spent so much political capital and gone to such pains to court them during the election last year, and the thanks he'd gotten was a 67 percent Hispanic vote for Obama! John is not happy about this. "You people," he sputtered at the March 11th meeting, "you people made your choice. You made your choice during the election." Whoa, easy there, John-John. Remember how much trouble Ross Perot got into with "You people." One attendee coming out of the meeting reported that John McPander was, quote, "angry … He was over the top. In some cases, he rolled his eyes a lot. There were portions of the meeting where he was just staring at the ceiling, and he wasn't even listening to us. We came out of the meeting really upset." End quote. Reading this, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I mean, I know we are the Stupid Party, but did we really put up a candidate who is that stupid? In a major national political campaign, wasn't there anyone on McCain's staff who looked at the statistics — the numbers for educational achievement, family income, illegitimacy, incarceration, use of government services? Hispanics are a natural Democratic constituency. They're never going to vote Republican in strength, no matter how much you pander, any more than African Americans are. Democrats understand this perfectly well — that's why they're so determined to push amnesty. Why are Republicans pushing it? A national politician should lay out what he thinks is good for the country, and let citizens vote for it or not, as they please, as individual Americans. He shouldn't go pandering to this or that ethnic group. Is this so hard to understand? Well, if you're the stupid leader of the Stupid Party, I guess it is.
07 — Hillary stamps her foot. Hillary Clinton just got through being really, really angry with the North Koreans for firing a missile over Japan, when Somali pirates hijacked a U.S. ship. So now she has to express her anger over that, too. Well, "anger"'s a bit too strong a word, actually: our Secretary of State is "deeply concerned" and she's called for "world action to end the scourge of piracy." Hey, Madame Secretary, let the world go hang — they're not going to lift a finger for us. When did they ever? This ship is sailing under our flag: how about some U.S. action? There's a string of very prosperous little towns up and down the coast of Somalia, their prosperity entirely the result of piracy. We have a big navy, with lots of big ships carrying big guns. Couldn't they use a little target practice? How about we rubble a few of those towns? What's that — you don't want to kill innocent people? Fine, drop leaflets the day before; then rubble them. Rubble doesn't make trouble, Madame Secretary. If you let this insult to our flag stand, you're not protecting the dignity and interests of the United States. But then, why would you? You're a left-wing Democrat. You probably think it's all our fault our ship got hijacked. You're probably looking for someone to apologize to. When you find 'em, Madame Secretary, be sure to make a nice deep bow, like your boss.
08 — NK missile. Yes, we missed a splendid chance to field-test our anti-missile systems on Sunday, when crazy North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il lobbed a missile 2,000 miles across the north Pacific. We also missed the opportunity to poke a finger in the eye of a guy who's gone out of his way for years to make himself obnoxious to us. If the North Koreans want to starve to death under communism, that's their business; then, after theirs, it's South Korea's, China's, and Russia's. Kim's a nuisance, though, and he's reneged on every agreement we and the U.N. have tried to close with him, and a finger in the eye would have been entirely appropriate. Of course, it's not easy to stick a finger in a guy's eye when you're bowing to him.
09 — Welfare per state. The blogger who calls himself Audacious Epigone dug through some government statistics and came up with a list of states by per capita federal welfare spending. Top of the list: District of Columbia, with almost 300 dollars per capita. Wonder if that includes all the salaries and benefits of the Congresscritters. Why not — they should count as welfare cases, shouldn't they? It's not like any of them have marketable skills. Bottom of the list was New Hampshire, with only 53 federal dollars per capita. Now I'll listen a bit more respectfully to Mark Steyn when he talks about what rugged individualists they are up there in the Granite State … though I'm still going to remind him that the state went for Obama in November. My own state, New York, is number 2, with 218 federal dollars per capita, followed by California with 173. Number 6 is Vermont, which is a bit of a mystery. How come Vermont gets 146 dollars in welfare per capita from the feds when New Hampshire gets by on 53? Is this related to the fact that Vermont's just legalized homosexual weddings? Bit of a mystery. Well, thanks for that, Audacious Epigone. What is an epigone, though? It's one of those words I can never remember. Hang on, let me look it up … "an imitative follower, an inferior imitator." Hm, right. But why don't we pronounce the "e" at the end, like we do with "epitome"? Shouldn't we say "ep-i-gon-e," or "ep-i-tom"? Who knows? I guess there are some doors man was never meant to open.
10 — Jane Austen revised. In literary news, Los Angeles author Seth Grahame-Smith has rewritten Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice to include zombies. Jane Austen's spirited heroine, Elizabeth Bennett, has been turned into a kung-fu fighter dedicated to ridding her sleepy English town of the undead. The rewrite is titled Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I'm a bit miffed at this news as it upstages my latest literary effort: a rewrite of Little Women in which Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy are kidnaped into forced polygamous marriages by raiders from the FLDS compound, then rescued at last by a fearless squad of ninja turtles under the leadership of Topsy from Uncle Tom's Cabin. My working title is Topsy's Ninja Turtles Rescue Little Women Gang-Raped by Cultist Nutsos but my publisher's looking for something snappier. Snappier … turtles … see? Never mind
11 — CBC hearts Castro. I'm going to mention one of the great unmentionables of American politics, so the more sensitive among you might want to cover your ears here. You OK? Right, here I go. African Americans, taken as a whole, have a political center of gravity way, way to the left of any other big subgroup of Americans. We got another illustration of this on Tuesday when a delegation from the Congressional Black Caucus got back from their trip to visit Fidel Castro in Havana. They couldn't speak highly enough of the old fingernail-puller. The caucus chairperson Barbara Lee said he was warm and receptive. Quote: "He embraced us, he talked to us," she gushed. Representative Laura Richardson said Castro repeated Barack Obama's line about turning a new page in U.S. foreign policy. Representative Bobby Rush told us that, quote, "It was almost like listening to an old friend." Rush followed up with this remark, quote: "In my household I told Castro he is known as the ultimate survivor." I think in Castro's household these gulls are probably known as the ultimate useful idiots. For the record, though, Castro the nation-killer gushed right back, issuing a public letter about the meeting that referred to Bobby Rush as, quote, "a never-ending fountain of knowledge and maturity." Why do the Congressional Black Caucus like Castro so much? Why are these black legislators such a never-ending fountain of boot moisturizer for this cynical thug? It can't be a race angle: Castro's as white as George W. Bush, and he's turned a prosperous little island into the North Korea of the Western Hemisphere, just as much of a poverty-stricken slum for black Cubans as it is for white Cubans. What's for them to like? It beats me, but for the record, Radio Derb's line on Cuba is the one taken by Henry Kissinger: We have no principled objection to more open relations with Cuba, but not while Castro's alive. He's been nothing but a nuisance to us, and we shouldn't do any favors to him. When the old murderer's dead and gone, then we may talk. And by the way … in this spiffy new post-racial America, why do we need a Congressional Black Caucus?
12 — Signoff. All right, let's see how my Chia Obama is doing out there in the sun room … [Door sound] Whoa! What happened here? The whole place is full of Chia growth! Looks like it's killed off all my other house plants! There are tendrils reaching across the floor … coming towards me … Something's got hold of my ankle … Help! Help!
[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]