»  National Review Online

December 23rd, 2004

  Sing-along-a-Derb 2004

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Yes, boys and girls, it's that time of year again! Time to light the Holiday log, gather round the Holiday tree, raise a glass of mulled port, and sing along with Derb as I celebrate the ancient feast of Holiday. Don't hold back, now — I want to hear the rafters ring!

•  O Dollar, Dollar, Dollar
(To the tune "O Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel")

O dollar, dollar, dollar,
I worked for you all day —
But when I tried to spend you,
You'd dwindled half away!

O dollar, dollar, dollar,
I went with you abroad
But found in foreign countries
No thing I could afford.

The foreigners buy T-bills
With dollars that they've earned
By selling us the goods whose
Production we've un-learned.

So we're in hock to China,
To Europe and Japan;
They're financing our spending,
Since we no longer can.

I cannot help but wonder
How long they'll play our game.
O dollar, dollar, dollar —
We've just ourselves to blame.

•  God Rest You, Yasser Arafat
(To the tune "God Rest You, Merry Gentlemen")

God rest you, Yasser Arafat
You've gone to your reward.
We're sorry it was not your fate
To perish by the sword.
But nonetheless we're very glad
Your passing to record.
O tidings of comfort and joy!

•  Frosty the Candidate
(To the tune "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the candidate
Was a chilly kind of soul.
With his lantern jaw
And his pompadour,
And his icy self-control.

Frosty the candidate
Was a decorated vet.
With a Senate seat
Where he couldn't be beat,
He just looked like a safe bet.

There must have been some magic
In the way that he campaigned;
For when it came convention time,
Nomination he'd attained!

Frosty the candidate
Came on strong in the debates;
And out on the trail
Seemed he couldn't fail
To swing some crucial states.

But then his wartime comrades,
Feeling cheated and betrayed,
Showed us how he'd lied,
Slandered men who'd died,
In that long-ago decade.

Frosty the candidate
Started slipping in the polls.
By election night
He'd slipped out of sight,
With his story full of holes.

Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Goodbye, gigolo!

•  Let Them Grow
(To the tune "Let It Snow")

The steroid abuse is frightful
But the games are so delightful!
Since the ball players thrill us so —
Let them grow! Let them grow! Let them grow!

Now Giambi and Bonds are admitting
There's more than just skill to their hitting,
And baseball is just a freak show —
Let them grow! Let them grow! Let them grow!

•  The Al-Jazeera Chorus
(To the tune "The Halleluia Chorus")

Al Jazeera! Friend of terror!
Sneering mouthpiece! Of a culture! That wallows in lies!

Al Jazeera! Anti-semites!
And haters! Of freedom! And Christianity!

You are just front men for al Qaeda —
Willing helpers! Willing agents! Smirking front men! For assassins!

With such a smooth presentation —
You tell Arabs! They're all victims! Of the evil! Western powers!

You're always eager to show pictures —
Of your colleagues! Hacking heads off! Chanting verses! From the Koran!
But you don't show! What goes on in! Muslim countries! All the torture!
And the mayhem! Of the despots! That you favor! And whose money!
Pays your wages! And whose nations! Let you broadcast! From their cities!
Just so long as! You don't vex them!

Then when our soldiers fail or misbehave,
You eagerly show clips of these scenes, clips of these scenes,
Which you'll replay for ever and ever;
Which you'll replay for ever and ever;
Which you'll replay for ever and ever;
Which you'll replay for ever and ever.

Which you'll play
For ever and ever! Al Jazeera! Friend of terror!
On a loop
For ever and ever! So the crazies! Will stay fired up! ...

•  The Church's One Foundation
(To the tune "Aurelia")

The Church's one foundation
Is just "Do as you please!"
No need for revelation
Or scriptural decrees.
So long as you're contented
How can your deeds be wrong?
This creed we've implemented —
You'd better go along!

Don't bother with the Gospels
Or listen to Saint Paul;
The Acts of the Apostles
Aren't relevant at all.
The Holy Spirit's leading
No matter what we choose;
So what's the point of reading
Those old first-century Jews?

At family communion
My partner comes along,
To show that in our union
We're doing nothing wrong.
Yet there's an odd phenomenon:
We notice with dismay
That families with children
Are all drifting away.

•  Song of the Illegal Immigrants
(To the tune "She'll be Coming Round the Mountain")

We'll be pouring through the border when we come.
(When we come!)
We'll be pouring through the border when we come.
(When we come!)
We'll be pouring through the border —
To hell with law and order!
We'll be pouring through the border when we come.

If you're ranching near the border when we come —
(Watch out, chum!)
Best lock up your wife and daughter when we come.
(Don't be dumb!)
And don't go to fix your fences —
There's no point in such expenses!
We'll just break 'em down and burn 'em when we come

We'll be filling up your clinics and your schools
(All your schools!)
We don't care about your pettifogging rules
('Fogging rules!)
When to pay your tax you're straining
Think of all your nation's gaining!
What's the point of more explaining? You poor fools!

Every guilty rich white lib'ral needs a maid
(It's free trade!)
Small and meek so there's no need to feel afraid.
(Unafraid!)
One who'll work all kinds of hours,
Mow the lawn and tend the flowers —
And won't argue if she's grossly underpaid!

Being brown and poor we make the lefties swoon
(Lefties swoon!)
If you grumble, that's just "racist," they'll impugn.
(Leave the room!)
If you protest, you're a bigot —
So just open up that spigot!
And we'll have you talking Spanish pretty soon!

Sure, a lot of us come here to practice crime
(Practice crime!)
In your prisons we're a dozen for a dime.
(Doing time!)
But a prison cell in Utah
Beats a farm in Pitiquito —
And your prison guards can use that overtime!

In any case this country isn't yours.
(No! Not yours!)
Just remember all those cruel and unjust wars.
(And racist laws!)
Your forefathers stole our nation —
This is just repatriation!
We've come here to stay, and also settle scores!

•  I saw mullahs making atom bombs
(To the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw mullahs making atom bombs
In a bunker deep beneath Tehran.
They didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep.
They thought that I was tucked up at the UN fast asleep.
I told IAEA about those bombs;
They said the French and Germans had a plan.
Alas, that plan's main ends
Are to enrich Jacques Chirac's friends.
Mushroom clouds are in our future now!

•  The ACLU's Coming to Town
(To the tune "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

Oh, you'd better not kneel,
You'd better not pray;
Don't mention the Lord on "Holiday";
The ACLU's coming to town!

They're making a list
They're checking it twice;
They're gonna find out
Who's mentioning Christ —
The ACLU's coming to town!

Let's have no star or manger,
No crosses, babes, or sleighs;
The Republic is in danger
Till the Boy Scouts let in gays!

Oh, you'd better not kneel,
You'd better not pray;
"Merry Christmas!" is now
"Happy Holiday!"
The ACLU's coming to town!