»  National Review Online

December 21, 2006

  Sing-along-a-Derb 2006

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It's that time of year again when we all gather round the Christmas tree with our loved ones and troll the ancient Christmas carol. Just in case you've forgotten the words, here are the lyrics to some of your favorites.

•  Jingle Mel Rock
(To the tune "Jingle Bell Rock")

Jingle Mel, Jingle Mel, Jingle Mel rock,
Jingle Mel drink and Jingle Mel drive.
Cops pulled him over and asked him to breathe —
That made Jingle Mel start to seethe.

Jingle Mel said that all the world's wars
Are started by Jews, have Jews as their cause;
Then asked the deputy: "Are you a Jew?"
In Malibu.

Well, arrest time's not the best time
To cuss the night away.
Jingle Mel time's not a swell time
To put your prejudices on display.
Squad-car ride, booking desk, cell for the night;
Jingle Mel slept it off.
Now he's rocking with a box-office hit —
He's untouchable,
And un-blushable,
That's the Jingle Mel rock.

•  Rudy the Red-State Nightmare
(To the tune "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Rudy the red-state nightmare
Liberal and twice divorced;
Written off as a RINO
For positions he'd endorsed.
G.O.P. national leaders
Wouldn't give him time of day.
Certain that heartland voters
Would choke on Rudy's résumé.

Then one clear September morn
Terror paid a call.
Rudy took charge from the start,
Stirred the nation's wounded heart.

Now Rudy's out campaigning.
Will that memory be enough?
It will, if we want a leader
Capable, and smart, and tough.

•  Obama, be faithful
(To the tune "O Come, All Ye Faithful")

Obama, be faithful
To all white guilty liberals.
O come ye to rescue us
From rancor and strife.

Black yet unthreatening!
Handsome and so likeable!

Obama we adore you —
We'll all be voting for you!
We're Clintonites no more! You
Are liberalism's hope!

•  Feliz Navidad
(To the tune "Feliz Navidad")

Feliz Navidad.
You Gringos are bad.
You're making us mad
That's why we're marching in the streets.

We're only asking for open borders
So we can bring in our sons and daughters.
We're too many — you can't deport us!
So amnesty us all!

•  Have Yourself a Merry Little Congress
(To the tune "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")

Have yourself a merry little Congress,
You who make our laws.
From now on,
The joys of power will be yours.

Help yourselves to favors from the pages,
When you're feeling gay;
Wine and dine
With lobbyists, like Tom Delay.

Just be sure that the freezer's filled
With those dollar bills you've scored.
K Street friends who are dear to you
Gather near to you once more.

For two years
You all will be together,
Then the party ends.
Stuff the tax code full of loopholes for your friends —
And never mind whose wealth it is that Congress spends!

•  Shi'ites Roasting in a Mosque on Fire

(To the tune "The Christmas Song")

Shi'ites roasting in a mosque on fire,
Sunnis bombed in their bazaar.
The U.S. cursed as an occupier
And oil flows still not up to par.

Everybody knows a firefight and an IED
Help make the streets of Baghdad bright.
Suicide fiends with their eyes all aglow
Think victory for them's in sight.

They know that Baker's had his say.
His ISG report said we don't want to stay.
And our Iraqi friends rush to apply
For seats on any airplane that will fly.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
For Cheney, Bush, and Condi too.
Although its been said many times many ways:
Nation building, we can't do.

•  Bimbo Wonderland
(To the tune "Winter Wonderland")

Bimbos sing, are you listening,
See the lip gloss is glistening.
Their talents are slight,
They're out clubbing every night,
Living in a bimbo wonderland.

Britney Spears is in Heaven
Now she's got rid of Kevin;
Her bottom is bare,
But she doesn't care
Living in a bimbo wonderland.

Here's Nicole, and here's Paris,
Gals you just can't embarrass;
This Simple Life pair
Seem to be everywhere —
Living in a bimbo wonderland.

Partying too much got Lindsay Lohan
Reprimanded by a studio boss.
He said: Are you working?
She said: No, man.
I'm drying out —I hope
You won't be cross.

Later on, they'll conspire,
Yet more fans to acquire.
No brains have these sluts,
Only hair, boobs, and butts —
Living in a bimbo wonderland.