»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Thursday, December 23rd, 2004


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[Music clip: Soaring chords, orchestra and chorus.]

01 — Intro.     Yes, my fellow Americans, time once again for news of the day from Radio Derb, brought to you from the glittering towers of National Review world headquarters here in New York. This is John Derbyshire.

Let's see what's been happening in the world.


02 — O dollar, dollar, dollar.     Get out those little wooden tops, kiddies, and start spinning. If you can learn to spin really well, there'll be a job as an election campaign consultant in your future somewhere.

[Singing, to the tune "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel."]

O dollar, dollar, dollar,
I worked for you all day —
But when I tried to spend you,
You'd dwindled half away!

O dollar, dollar, dollar,
I went with you abroad
But found in foreign countries
No thing I could afford.

The foreigners buy T-bills
With dollars that they've earned
By selling us the goods whose
Production we've un-learned.

So we're in hock to China,
To Europe and Japan;
They're financing our spending,
Since we no longer can.

I cannot help but wonder
How long they'll play our game.
O dollar, dollar, dollar —
We've just ourselves to blame.


03 — God Rest You, Yasser Arafat.    

[Singing, to the tune "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen."]

God rest you, Yasser Arafat
You've gone to your reward.
We're sorry it was not your fate
To perish by the sword.
But nonetheless we're very glad
Your passing to record.
O tidings of comfort and joy!


04 — Frosty the Candidate.    

[Singing, to the tune "Frosty the Snowman."]

Frosty the candidate
Was a chilly kind of soul.
With his lantern jaw
And his pompadour,
And his icy self-control.

Frosty the candidate
Was a decorated vet.
With a Senate seat
Where he couldn't be beat,
He just looked like a safe bet.

There must have been some magic
In the way that he campaigned;
For when it came convention time,
Nomination he'd attained!

Frosty the candidate
Came on strong in the debates;
And out on the trail
Seemed he couldn't fail
To swing some crucial states.

But then his wartime comrades,
Feeling cheated and betrayed,
Showed us how he'd lied,
Slandered men who'd died,
In that long-ago decade.

Frosty the candidate
Started slipping in the polls.
By election night
He'd slipped out of sight,
With his story full of holes.

Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Goodbye, gigolo!


05 — Let Them Grow.    

[Singing, to the tune "Let it Snow."]

The steroid abuse is frightful
But the games are so delightful!
Since the ball players thrill us so —
Let them grow! Let them grow! Let them grow!

Now Giambi and Bonds are admitting
There's more than just skill to their hitting,
And baseball is just a freak show —
Let them grow! Let them grow! Let them grow!


06 — The Al-Jazeera Chorus.    

Oh no, Kathryn, not "The Al Jazeera Chorus." It's a chorus, for heaven's sake. I sound stupid enough singing a cappella solo, but a chorus … And, it's a really tricky piece. Have you ever tried to sing it? Come on, Kathryn. Come on, please, I'm begging you … What? … Paint your house? I'm not going to paint your house just to get out of singing a song. What kind of operation are you running here? Kathryn? … What's that in your hand, Kathrun? … Kathryn — don't come any closer with that, I'm warning you! I have friends in the Trial Lawyers Association. I know John Edwards … Kathryn! … Oh, all right, all right, I'll paint your house.


07 — The Church's One Foundation.     This one is not particularly Christmassy, but it is a fine old hymn: Samuel Stone's "The Church's One Foundation." I offer it here in honor of the recently consecrated bishop, Gene Robinson of New Hampshire.

[Singing, to the tune Aurelia.]

The Church's one foundation
Is just "Do as you please!"
No need for revelation
Or scriptural decrees.
So long as you're contented
How can your deeds be wrong?
This creed we've implemented —
You'd better go along!

Don't bother with the Gospels
Or listen to Saint Paul;
The Acts of the Apostles
Aren't relevant at all.
The Holy Spirit's leading
No matter what we choose;
So what's the point of reading
Those old first-century Jews?

At family communion
My partner comes along,
To show that in our union
We're doing nothing wrong.
Yet there's an odd phenomenon:
We notice with dismay
That families with children
Are all drifting away.


08 — I saw Mullahs Making Atom Bombs.    

[Singing, to the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."]

I saw mullahs making atom bombs
In a bunker deep beneath Tehran.
They didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep.
They thought that I was tucked up at the UN fast asleep.
I told IAEA about those bombs;
They said the French and Germans had a plan.
Alas, that plan's main ends
Are to enrich Jacques Chirac's friends.
Mushroom clouds are in our future now!