»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

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•  Play the sound file

[Added when transcribing, October 2018:  Something weird happened to my voice here: I got chipmunked. I have no recollection of any reason for this. Probably I was fiddling with the audio software, got a setting wrong, and couldn't figure out how to re-set it

I note also that this was the first time I used beeps to start the segments. The beeps in this first effort were MUCH TOO LOUD, as listeners hastened to tell me. In the podcast that follows this one, I amped them down to the level at which they stayed for ever after.]

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[Music clip: Soaring chords, orchestra and chorus.]

01 — Intro.     Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Time again to tune into Radio Derb, your infallible source of news, views, elucidation and edification, brought to you from National Review world headquarters here in the heart of Manhattan — or, as we conservatives say, the belly of the beast.

Let's see what's been happening in the world this past week or two, shall we?

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02 — The gay-ification of showbiz.     The producers of the upcoming Academy Awards show hired potty-mouth comic Chris Rock to host the thing this year. This was either a seriously dumb move or a terrific publicity stunt, depending on how cynical you are.

In an interview with something called Entertainment Weekly Rock said the following thing about the Oscars, quote:

Come on. It's a fashion show. What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?

End quote. Leaving aside the race stuff — I guess Don Cheadle, Jamie Foxx, Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Halley Barry, Morgan Freeman, etc. etc. aren't black enough — Rock may very well be right about the Oscar show's effect on straight American males.

My guess is that the Academy Awards are not a big topic of conversation the day after down at the Elks lodge or the boxing gym or the bait and tackle store. Me, I start to fidget around five minutes into the thing and have to go and saw some wood or wire up a receptacle or something.

I suspect that what we are seeing here is part of a larger trend: the gay-ification of showbiz. Broadway today, Hollywood tomorrow.

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03 — Dems pick Dean.     The Democratic Party elected Howard Dean as chairman. So said all the newspapers, although this being the Democratic Party, it seems to me it should be chairperson, shouldn't it?

Whatever. They elected the fool. On behalf of all Republicans everywhere, may I registered the appropriate response? May I please? Thank you.

YEEEEE-HAAAAH!

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04 — Quis custodiet at the U.N.     What a wonderful institution the United Nations is, isn't it? They do so much good in the world.

When told little Iraqi children were starving because of those cruel economic sanctions, the good folks at the U.N. setup the Oil for Food program.

Did leading U.N. officials and their sons make a bundle for themselves by cutting deals with Saddam Hussein? Sure they did, but hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, you know.

And then when the refugees of the war in the Congo were crying to Heaven for help, the U.N. dispatched to relief effort. Did the relievers relieved themselves by conscripting the Congolese kids into child prostitution rings? Yes, it looks as though they did; but you know, they were just using their entrepreneurial skills to defray the costs of the mission.

Now we read that Ruud Lubbers, the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees, has been found guilty of misconduct involving sexual harassment by an official investigation carried out by the U.N.'s own ethics watchdog. Well, probably the poor fellow was just stressed out from managing all those child prostitution rings.

But wait a minute. Why would an outfit as stuffed to the nose-holes with idealism as the United Nations need an ethics watchdog? Hard to think of a reason.

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05 — Hanged by halitosis.     A restaurant employee in Quincy, Massachusetts was tied up and raped at knifepoint in her own home. She later identified the attacker by his bad breath, and a DNA test confirmed the identification.

Ah, the importance of good dental hygiene. There is one guy who won't ever again forget to floss.

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06 — Happy birthday, Dear Leader!     News from North Korea, the only nation in the world to have a dead guy as president.

I'd better explain that. The North Korean dictator Kim Il Sung, who died in 1994, is still officially — and, according to the North Korean constitution, eternally — President. His son Kim Jong Il, is merely leader of the Korean Workers Party, which tends to win all the elections in the country with a handy ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine, nine percent of the vote. Oh, he's also chairman of the National Defense Commission.

Well, as I was saying, here is a news item. Kim Junior, that's the one who's alive, celebrated the 63rd birthday in grand style with massed parades, children's dance displays, synchronized swimming … synchronized swimming? … fireworks, and flower shows featuring that well known bloom, the kimjongilia.

An army dance ensemble performed a concert featuring numbers such as "General on a Galloping White Horse" and a female solo titled "I do not Know a Warmer Bosom."

Well, it's hard to begrudge the North Koreans a bit of fun. After all, this past few years, they have endured a famine in which at least a million people died, industrial collapse, power shortages, and now rampant inflation.

And as the Korean Central News Agency reminded us, the Korean people unanimously revere leader Kim Jong Il as a brilliant commander. I bet they do.

Oh, by the way, Kim wants us to know, or think, that he has nuclear weapons. Why does he want us to know or think this? Because otherwise nobody would pay the slightest attention to Kim or his fleabitten, little despotism at all.

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07 — Colonialism, Arab style.     A former Prime Minister of Lebanon, Rafic Hariri was blown up by the Syrians. Taking no chances, the Syrians used a device so powerful it left a thirty-foot crater.

Hariri had made the Syrians mad when he resigned as Prime Minister in protest against their adjusting the Constitution of Lebanon to keep their own puppets in power.

Since Syria pulls the strings in Lebanese politics, and murders people like Hariri who annoy them, and keeps 15,000 troops in the country, it might be thought correct to call [Lebanon] a Syrian colony, except of course that Arabs are a Designated Victim Nationality, kept poor and oppressed by rapacious Americans and cruel scheming Israelis.

a people as noble, long suffering and excluded as this couldn't possibly be practicing anything so reactionary as colonialism, could they?

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08 — Tally-ho terminated.     The hunting of foxes with dogs in Britain officially ended on February 18th when a new law banning the sport came into effect.

Since foxes are a nuisance to farmers they will now be shot, poisoned, or gassed instead of being run down by dogs; but at least nobody will be having any politically incorrect fun, and that's what social improvement is all about nowadays, isn't it?

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09 — Hillary's real problem.     Hollywood mogul David Geffen told a New York audience that Hillary Clinton could never win the presidency. "She's an incredibly polarizing figure," the billionaire lefty said, and ambition is just not a good enough reason.

Geffen is right, of course. Hillary will never be president. He's right for the wrong reasons, though, as is usually the case when lefties are right about something.

It's not Hillary's polarizing qualities that will sink her, nor her obvious ambition. It is the fact that the American people do not like automata and have never elected an automaton to the presidency.

We're willing to put up with all kinds of defects in our politicians, but we do demand that they show some signs of being human like us — made of corruptible flesh, not computer printouts from polling companies. We like them to hold some beliefs, not just the results of the latest round of focus groups.

When Hillary presents herself to the electorate in 2008 she will be prinked and prepped to perfection, with a position on everything and something for everyone.

She will be flawless: polished as bright and smooth and shiny as a ball bearing, and just about as interesting.

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10 — What's in an oath?     A Canadian person named Alanis Morissette, who is apparently a pop singer and therefore of course a moronic lefty America-hater, startled the kind of people who pay attention to these things by taking out U.S. citizenship. She took the oath in Los Angeles last week together with 4,500 other new citizens.

Said Ms Morissette, quote: "I will never renounced my Canadian citizenship!" End quote.

Uh, you already did, lady, when you took the citizenship oath, which says the following thing:

I hereby declare on oath that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen.

Oh, but you know, that's just a bunch of words.

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11 — Summers preps for show trial.     Back in January, Harvard President Larry Summers, at a conference on "Diversifying the Science and Engineering Workforce," said the following thing about the under-representation of women at the highest levels in those fields, quote:

In the special case of science and engineering, there are issues of intrinsic aptitude, and particularly of the variability of aptitude. And those considerations are reinforced by what are in effect, lesser factors involving socialization and continuing discrimination.

End quote. President Summers has been locked in a basement room underneath Harvard yard writing self criticisms ever since, ready for his show trial. But the diversity police are not yet satisfied that he has corrected his thinking sufficiently.

Just imagine the president of a prestigious university thinks that men and women may have intrinsic differences in aptitude. He thinks that the different statistical profiles displayed by men's and women's presence and accomplishment in certain jobs and certain interests may be due to something other than cruel discrimination by heartless white males.

But what would you expect? Summers is a white male himself; and it is a fact universally acknowledged that we white males spend all our time thinking up ways to hold on to our manifold privileges, and to keep nonwhite and nonmale folk out of our privileged preserves.

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12 — Kerry flip flop flips.     Back in the election campaign — remember the election campaign? — John Kerry confused the heck out of us poor voters by saying: "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." He was referring to the supplemental funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan back in the fall of 2003.

Well, the loser … oops, sorry: the Senator from Massachusetts now tells us he will back President Bush's new $82 million dollar request for Iraq and Afghanistan.

So: having been for funding the wars and then against it, he's now for it again.

Not just a flip flop, a flip flop flip. Boy, we could have used this back in October.

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13 — Royal non-surprise.     Charles Windsor, the Prince of Wales, is going to marry his longtime main squeeze, Camilla Parker-Bowles, the lady to whom he once confessed that he wished he were one of her feminine hygiene accessories.

You have already heard all the jokes that can be made about this, including of course the one about Chuck having reversed the course of nature by dumping the airhead trophy wife so he could marry the wrinkled old bag, so I am just going to say that this has my personal nomination as Least Unexpected Nnews Story of the Decade.

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14 — Signoff.     That's all for now, folks. Tune in again next time for information, elucidation, illumination, and titillation from Radio Derb.

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[Music clip: Metropolitan Opera, the Triumphal March from Aida.]