»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Thursday, May 19th, 2005

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Good Morning, America! Radio Derb on the air — the voice they cannot silence.

That was Haydn's Derbyshire March No. 2, and this is John Derbyshire with highlights from the past week. Let's go.

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02 — We're fighting for feminism.     Why are we in Iraq? For women's rights, according to Hillary Clinton.

At a Commencement Day speech to some lefty women's college in Decatur, Georgia, where they ought to know better, Mrs Clinton said she is very proud of our country for standing with the women of Afghanistan and Iraq.

"You cannot have democracy if half the people are shut out," said the Junior Senator from some over-taxed, over-governed, bankrupt northeastern state full of aging lefties, union bosses, abandoned businesses, welfare cases, illegal immigrants, and trial lawyers.

Next up for the long suffering people of Iraq and Afghanistan, universal healthcare.

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03 — Arianna's non-celebrity blog.     Who in Tarnation is Dr. Dean Ornish? Who is Lawrence Bender? Who is Cable Neuhaus? Is that actually the dude's first name, "Cable"? Does he have a brother called Satellite Neuhaus?

Yes, people, I've been reading Arianna Huffington's celebrity blog again. What I want to know, as all the rest of you do, is: Where are the celebrities?

Couldn't Arianna, at least pull in a few Hollywood Squares B-list types? I never even heard of these people she's got blogging here.

Oh, wait a minute, here's Diane Keaton. Guess what: Ms Keaton doesn't know the difference between "disintereste"d and "uninterested," so I guess all those hours hanging out with Woody Allen were wasted, Diane. As was the 97 seconds I spent perusing the Huffington Post.

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04 — Star Wars explained.     The Cannes film festival is a gathering held every year in — where else? — France, to find out which European or American lefty can say the rudest things about the United States.

So here is director George Lucas at this year's bash, telling us about the historical origins of his moronic, illiterate, innumerate, and unimaginative Star Wars movies.

The original Star Wars, Lucas explained, was written at the end of the Vietnam War, when Richard Nixon was in the White House; but the issue being explored is still very much alive today, according to George. Quote: "The issue was: How does a democracy turn itself into a dictatorship? When I wrote this, Iraq didn't exist." (I think he means the war, not the country. I think so.) "We were just funding Saddam Hussein and giving him weapons of mass destruction. The parallels between Vietnam and what we're doing in Iraq now are unbelievable." End quote.

Unbelievable! That, as any English major will tell you, means you can't believe those parallels. That's correct: I can't.

Lucas then said that Darth Vader's saga is about how a good man turns himself into a bad one. Quote: "Most of them think they're good people doing what they do for a good reason." End quote.

As opposed to self-righteous and ignorant lefties doing what they do so they can get stinking rich and wall themselves off from the proles they pretend to champion, but in reality despise.

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05 — Journalists lean left!     A poll released on Monday by the University of Connecticut Department of Public Policy sampled three hundred journalists from both newspapers and TV.

Guess what? Democrats outnumbered Republicans by three to one, but about half of them claimed to be independent. As in previous polls, a majority —53 percent — called their political orientation "moderate," versus 28 percent liberal and ten percent conservative.

In related news from the Nutmeg State, a dog bit a man in downtown Stamford this morning.

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06 — Counterculture goes bourgeois.     "Time is on my side," sang Mick Jagger back in 1964. The way the Stones were getting through birds, booze, and drugs back then, it didn't actually look as though time was on their side. You would have had to take long odds on a bet that any of them would still be alive forty-one years later, never mind up to the rigors of a world concert tour.

Here they are though, three of them at any rate — Mick, Keith, and Charlie — on our TV screens to announce yet another world tour, mumbling incoherently at us just as they used to do back when Barry Goldwater was running for President.

If their spoken words or anything to judge by, the Road of Excess does not lead to the Palace of Wisdom, as promised by William Blake. Neither, however, does it necessarily lead to perdition, as our parents assured us.

What it apparently leads to in this very strange age we're living through is the upper reaches of the bourgeoisie, with huge country houses, legions of servants, yachts, and solid investment portfolios.

Memo to rockers: If you want to be taken seriously as a counterculture icon, at least have the good grace to die young from an overdose of something.

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07 — Mex Prez grovels to Al and Jesse.     Mexican President Vicente Fox thinks it's just fine that several million of his citizens have moved themselves, legally or not, to the United States.

Why would he not think so? Since Fox's Mexico offers no life worth living to those who don't belong to the nation's corrupt elites and aren't plugged into their rackets, it is better for those elites that their nation's poor are seeking work over here rather than protesting their dire condition over there.

The billions of dollars going back to Mexico in remittances sure don't hurt either. Next to oil, human beings are pretty much Mexico's only profitable export, so it's understandable that Fox is upset about recent U.S. measures to add more border fences and prevent illegal immigrants from getting driver licenses.

His annoyance slumped over at a meeting with Texas businessman in Puerto Vallarta. Said Fox, quote: "There's no doubt that the Mexican men and women, full of dignity, will power and a capacity for work, are doing the work that not even blacks want to do in the United States."

Following a full court press by both Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, Fox did the racial-sensitivity grovel, regretting hurt feelings and expressing great respect for the African American community in the United States.

Well, it's nice that Fox respects something about our country; but when will he show similar respect for our laws?

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08 — Divine help choosing U.N. Ambassador.     After hours of deliberation, telephone calls, personal conversations, reading hundreds of pages of transcripts, and asking for guidance from Above, I have come to the determination that the United States can do better than John Bolton.

So said Senator George Voinovich of Ohio from his seat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The context here is of course the Senate's consideration of John Bolton for the post of Ambassador to the United Nations.

Voinovich called Bolton, quote, "The poster child of what someone in the diplomatic corps should not be," end quote.

Senator: A lot of us think that an organization that puts Libya and Zimbabwe on its Human Rights Commission is a poster child for what an international deliberative body should not be. A lot of other of us think that a guy who takes obstructionist democratic nitpicking for substantive criticism is a poster child for what our Republican Senators should not be.

And we don't even need any guidance from Above to figure those things out.

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09 — A science result not to be sniffed at.     It's a little known fact that man is one of the smelliest of all creatures. Says science writer Lyall Watson, quote: "There is little in the animal kingdom to compare with the human armpit for olfactory potency." End quote.

Having once played for a rugby team, I'm not going to argue with that. It is an odd paradox, however, that we pay less attention to each other's odors than do other members of the animal kingdom.

Mice, for example, communicate their sexual availability and intentions by means of odoriferous chemicals called pheromones. When this was discovered back in the 1960s, the perfume industry tried to identify human pheromones so they could market them in their products.

This didn't work. Pheromone detection in humans is done by a tiny structure called Jacobson's Organ hidden away in the nasal cavity. This organ seems to be nonfunctioning, the nerves to the brain mostly missing. So it was thought anyway.

Now, however, using high-resolution brain scanning techniques, researchers in Sweden have found that the part of the brain controlling sexual behavior lights up when male subjects are exposed to estrogen-based odors, or when female subjects are exposed to the smell of male sweat.

The researchers further discovered that homosexual men have the female response, not the male one, though whether this is a cause of homosexuality or an effect of it remains to be determined.

All very interesting, no doubt; but personally, I'd prefer it if courtship among humans continued to be based on something more refined than body odors, thanks all the same.

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10 — Signoff.     That's all, folks. Tune in again next week for more wisdom, insight and truth from Radio Derb.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]