»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Monday, October 31st, 2005


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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     [Singing] Well, you got to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'm … Oh, sorry, sorry. I was just working there on my George W Bush Song Book.

Welcome to Radio Derb, ladies and gentlemen. This is your genial commentator John Derbyshire casting a cold eye on the events of the day. Here we go.


02 — Liberals go hungry.     So it's farewell, then, to Hallmark Harriet.

I see this whole horrible business as not so much a political blunder or a lousy personnel decision as an egregious act of cruelty on the part of George W Bush towards a loyal, charming, hardworking associate.

Harriet is a walking, breathing illustration of Florence King's assertion that America is the Republic of Nice. She seems never to have done or said anything in our life that wasn't nice, or at least motivated by a desire to be nice. One imagines her Supreme Court robe embroidered with smiley faces.

Diligent, cheerful, optimistic, sociable, Ms Miers is the Republic of Nice personified: the epitome of everything smooth, bland, friction-free, and painlessly uplifting in our society.

She is, in other words, the kind of person that liberals eat for breakfast. Now the buggers will go hungry. Good!


03 — Nonoverlapping Magisteria.     Faithful readers of National Review Online will know that among my many encounters with the great and godly was a 1984 handshake with the Dalai Lama.

I was sharing a flat in London with another fellow at the time. I went home and said to him, "Peter, I have just shaken hands with God." To which Peter replied with fine British sang-froid: "Oh, well, we'd better go out for a drink then."

Anyway, His Holiness is in the news this week. He has been scheduled to address the Society for Neuroscience in Washington DC.

Not all members of the Society are happy about the invite, though. Five hundred and forty-four of these cerebellum-surfers, these neuron nudgers, these synapse scrutinizers, have signed a petition urging the Society to cancel the lecture because, according to the petition, "it will highlight a subject with largely unsubstantiated claims and compromise scientific rigor and objectivity," end quote.

The subject they have in mind, or in brain, is the Dalai Lama's contention that the Lamaist style of meditation can train the meditator to have only positive, compassionate thoughts.

There have been some neuroscientific studies of meditation conducted, but the results are controversial and the protestors feel that, controversial or not, the right people to present those results would be the neuroscientists who planned and conducted the experiments.

This seems to me to be an unassailable position. If I go to a scientific conference I want to be addressed by scientists. I don't doubt the efficacy of the Dalai Lama's meditation techniques, but he's not a scientist.

Paris Hilton is pretty good at spending money, but that doesn't qualify her to address a conference of accountants.


04 — Hillary disses porn king.     Hell hath no fury like a pornographer scorned.

Larry Flynt, the proprietor of Hustler magazine, generously donated a thousand dollars to Hillary Clinton's Senate campaign.

Given what we know about the goings-on in the Clinton White House, it's not hard to understand why Leisure Suit Larry might feel a bond of sympathy with the Clintons. But guess what? Within a month of receiving the check, Mrs Clinton returned it.

"It's unbelievable," Flynt told Long Island Newsday, "but I'm used to this kind of hypocrisy."

The way Mrs Clinton's career is advancing, we'd all better get used to it. Flynt is in any case nursing hurt feelings and says he's thinking of becoming a Republican.

Well, we appreciate the compliment Larry, but you know, just because the Democrats gave you the elbow doesn't mean you have to join the GOP. There are other parties out there in the political marketplace.

Not to discourage you — and hey, we're as pro-First Amendment as anyone — but "Republican pornographer" just doesn't trip off the tongue somehow.


05 — Saddam on trial, then off trial.     Saddam Hussein finally went on trial in Iraq — on trial and then off trial.

It turned out the court wasn't ready after all. Oh boy, what a circus this is going to be!

We've made a bunch of mistakes in Iraq, God only knows, but the biggest mistake of all may have been not tossing a couple of grenades down that spider hole when we knew Saddam was in there. Now he gets to put on a show for his supporters, who were giving us enough trouble without this extra incitement.

War crime trials are always a farce and an outrage. I can never see footage of one without thinking to myself: "This is not what law is for. This is not court business."

Law is for settlement of disputes and the maintenance of social order. It's not for victors' revenge.

In war you kill your enemy. Saddam was our enemy. We should have killed him. We'll have bitter cause to regret not having done so.


06 — See you in court.     Meanwhile, while the Iraqis are busy turning the machinations of an oriental despotism into courtroom drama, the United States is busy turning the machinations of a Constitutional republic into the same thing.

What on earth is it with us Americans that every darn thing has to end up as a courtroom drama? African Americans sometimes tell us that racial rancor won't disappear from this country until the generation that remembers Jim Crow has passed from the scene.

I sometimes think we won't have a civilized political life until the generation that grew up watching Perry Mason has likewise gone up to the big courtroom in the sky.


07 — Iran threatens, Euros smile.     I can't be bothered to figure out how to pronounce the name of the new President of Iran, so for the purposes of this broadcast I'll call him Ralph.

Well, addressing some conference of Middle East nutcases recently, Ralph to thunderous applause delivered himself of the opinion that Israel should be, quote, "wiped off the map."

He went on: "No doubt the new wave of attacks in Palestine will soon wipe off this disgraceful blot from the face of the Islamic world." End Quote.

Question for discussion. Israel and Iran are both members of the United Nations. Is it okay with that body for the President of one member state to call for the extermination of another member state?

The Iranians, as every dog in the street knows, are going hell for leather to develop nukes to put on their already well-developed force of medium-range rockets.

Meanwhile, those fearsome, scary Europeans are going heck for polyester to stop them. Quoting from the BBC news story:

European diplomats suggested that the President's comments would not derail efforts by France, Germany, and the UK to get Iran to return to the negotiating table and halt work at its uranium conversion facility.

Well, thank goodness for that!


08 — Solving the oppression of blacks.     It's not only the Iranians who are in extermination mode.

Mr Kanau Kambon, a lecturer at Howard University here in the United States, took the podium at a media forum the other day to declare that, quote, "we have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet to solve this problem," end quote.

The problem he's referring to is that of black oppression in America. Mr Kambon also opined that, quote:

We need an external ally outside the shores of this country. We need an external ally that has supreme power and nuclear capability.

End quote. Well, stick around a year or two, Mr Kambon, and Iran will fill the bill. You and Ralph will make a very handsome couple.


09 — Camp of the Saints, Spanish edition.     It is 30 years now since the French novelist Jean Raspail published his novel Camp of the Saints, a future fantasy in which the prosperous West is besieged by millions of Third Worlders desperate to come and live here.

The Wall Street Journal at the time described the book as "sensational."

There has been a sad echo of Raspail's theme recently in Morocco, a North African country just across the Mediterranean from Spain. Two little enclaves on Morocco's coast, the towns of Ceuta and Melilla, belong to Spain. From either one of them you can take a ferry to mainland Spain; and since Spain is a member of the EU, you can then proceed to London, Paris, Frankfurt, or Rome without let or hindrance.

Getting into these enclaves from the surrounding Moroccan territory isn't easy, though. They both have double razor-wire fences twenty feet high around them. The Moroccans also have a deal with the Spanish to keep armed guards posted around these perimeters.

This doesn't stop people trying to get through the fence, though. South of Morocco lies the hopelessly poor, chronically famine-stricken region of Upper West Africa, and people from there trek for hundreds of miles to get to Ceuta and Melilla.

Earlier this month there was a mass human-wave assault on the razor wire border fences by these desperate Africans. Morocco now admits that their border guards opened fire on the refugees, killing six.

It's also becoming clear that Morocco has a policy of rounding up these African migrants and dumping them in the desert without food or water.

Yet still they keep coming. You think the U.S.A. has a problem with illegal immigration? Watch Europe.


10 — Signoff.     That's all, folks. Tune in again next week for more news about our mad, mad, mad, mad world from Radio Derb.


[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]