»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, March 10th, 2006


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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Greetings, National Review readers! This is your nattering nabob of negativism, your Cassandra of the C-drive, your Jeremiah of the javascript, John Derbyshire, bringing you all the crimes and follies of mankind here on Radio Derb.

Let's see what potholes the human race got itself stuck in this week.


02 — Play the percentages.     There are some comments on the news that you want to make but you hesitate because you know you'll get into trouble. This, however, is Radio Derb and we know no fear. So here I go, getting myself into trouble.

The topic here is the ghastly murder of young Imette St. Guillen in New York the other day. Imette, a pretty 24-year-old graduate student, was last seen alive sitting alone at a New York bar at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning. She was drinking rum-and-cokes and seems to have downed about six of them over five and a half hours.

She had been with some friends at another bar earlier, but had left her friends to go off on her own. Her raped and mutilated body was found that Saturday evening dumped by a roadside.

Now, nobody deserves to be murdered, and what happened to this poor girl is awful. Still, in life you have to play the percentages. Being young and pretty and hanging out at 4:00 AM in bars all by yourself, getting tipsy, is not playing the percentages.

And if you tell me that it's okay for a man so it should damn well will be okay for a woman because, heck, we've come a long way baby! — Well, I would just tell you that no matter how many Women's Studies courses you establish, how many puffy books about "empowerment" you publish, or how many presidents of Harvard you hound out of their jobs, you will never change those percentages.


03 — RBG caught napping.     Speaking of misguided feminists, didn't you feel a twinge of sympathy for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg the other day when she was caught sleeping, her head right down on the bench, during some court hearings about redistricting in Texas?

I sure did. Even though Ginsburg is very far indeed from being my favorite Justice. In fact, Justice Ginsburg is so far from being my favorite justice that I shall sent my sympathy aside and declare the following: The more time she spends sleeping on the job, the safer the lives and property of Americans will be.

I noticed that Justice Roberts was sitting right next to her, by the way. Did he slip a little something into her water carafe? Those conservative Justices will stoop to anything, you know. Let's hope so, anyway.


04 — The illegal alien non-work force.     The Pew Hispanic Center, which leans left on most social and political issues, came out with a study on illegal immigrants in the U.S.

The number of illegals is growing by half a million a year, it says. The current number is 12 million, according to Pew; although bear in mind that since no-one is jumping up and down waving their arms to be counted as an illegal immigrant, this is just one guess among many, with the higher guesses up in the mid 20 millions.

Quote from the Financial Times report on the study: "The Pew survey underscored the substantial presence of illegal workers in the U.S. labor market. It estimated about 4.9 percent of the U.S. labor force, or 7.2 million workers, was composed of unauthorized migrants." End quote.

Now, just pause to look at those numbers. Twelve million in the country, 7.2 million in the workforce. If I subtract 7.2 million from twelve million I get 4.8 million illegal immigrants who are not part of the workforce.

What are they part of? The welfare force? The jail-inmate force? What do they do all day long?

Answers on a postcard, please, to Radio Derb, Lexington Avenue, New York City.


05 — A jailjouse Imam from the Bronx.     There are some headlines that newspapers must have set up permanently as macros so they can be produced with a single keystroke. Here's one such: Islamic Prison Chaplain Accused of Hate Speech.

The actual headline in my New York Post reads Top Jail Imam in Hate Tirade. The villain here is a character named Umar Abdul Jalil, who is the head of Islamic chaplains in the New York City Department of Corrections.

At a conference of Islamic leaders in Tucson, Arizona — I mean, where else would you expect to find a conference of his Islamic leaders? — Mr Abdul Jalil said that, quote: "The greatest terrorists in the world occupy the White House, without a doubt." He said that American Muslims should stop allowing, quote, "the Zionists of the media to dictate what Islam is to us."

He further reported to his co-religionists that Muslims rounded up after 9/11 are being tortured in New York City jails; quote, "literally tortured." Not just metaphorically tortured, you see. All these quotes, by the way, were captured on tape.

Who is this guy? Well, here is the bio supplied by the New York Post. Quote:

Abdul Jalil, a Bronx resident who said he converted to Islam while at Attica prison in 1970, participated in interfaith reconciliation efforts after 9/11. He recently took part in an educational ceremony with Governor Pataki on Martin Luther King Day.

That's the end of the bio. Coming from the Bronx as he does, I bet Mr Abdul Jalil is familiar with that old Bronx saying: "You can take the Imam out of the jail, but you can't take the jail out of the Imam.


06 — A new -ism.     The Oscars came and went and the urban drama Crash won out over the gay cowboy flick Brokeback Mountain.

Novelist Larry McMurtry, who co-wrote the script for Brokeback Mountain, has a beef about this. Well, I'm not sure if it's a beef or a mutton, but anyway … The Motion Picture Academy, says Larry, is biased against rural stories. It's discrimination!

So now we have a new -ism to get indignant about. Urbanism? Rusticism? I don't know.

And it's not so new, come to think of it. Country Bumpkins have been the butt of jokes … Oh dear, I did not intend untoward gay cowboy allusion there. Uh, country bumpkins, I say, have been the butt of jokes since at least Aristophanes.

Larry is of course correct about this disgraceful discrimination, though. Here in Huntington we have separate drinking fountains for those hicks from out Ronkonkoma way; and the local ice-cream store won't serve anyone from further east than Yaphank.

It's a national disgrace. Let's get some boycotts going. Where did I put Jesse Jackson's phone number?


07 — Joe in Spain can say that he's a Jane.     [Sings.] "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain …" We all know that.

And up to now the convicts in Spain have stayed entirely in correctional facilities segregated by sex. Ah, but sex — or "gender" to those of you brainwashed by postmodernist college professors — is just a social construct, you know. No basis in reality at all! And then there are those unfortunate transsexuals, people on their way from being one sex to being the other one. Should a transsexual convict go to the guys' prison or the gals' prison?

Hm. These are the dilemmas of our age.

Well, the Spanish government has decided that from now on transsexuals can choose which prison they will go to.

I sure hope they thought through all the possibilities for abuse of this new dispensation. "Maria, I'd like you to meet your new cellmate Roderiga, formerly Roderigo." [Deep husky voice.] "Buenos días, baby."


08 — All is flux.     A wee news item in the New York Times the other day caught my eye.

The headline was Conservative Jews to Consider Ending a Ban on Same-Sex Unions and Gay Rabbis. That pretty much speaks for itself, but we got thirty column inches of story anyway, including interviews with rabbis and scholars.

The part that got my attention was near the end, where the views of students at a rabbinical seminary were being discussed. Long quote from the New York Times:

"Many students at the seminary say they find the gay ban offensive and would welcome a change," said Daniel Klein, a rabbinical student who helps lead Keshet, a gay rights group on campus. "It's part of the tradition to change, so we're entirely within the tradition," he said.

That's the end of the long quote.

Now, just roll around your tongue what Mr Klein said. "It's part of the tradition to change." All is flux, you see? Tradition is change.[Sings.] "The world has gone mad today / And good's bad today / And black's white today / And day's night today, / And most guys today / That women prize today / Are just silly gigolos …" Or possibly gay rabbis.

Or, as someone once said: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

You see, it's not just the U.S. Constitution that's a "living document." The Old Testament is, too.


09 — Human rights, Muslim version.     Those poor folorn souls in our diplomatic corps whose job is to bring some sense of order to the affairs of the United Nations have been toiling away to get the observed and shameful U.N. Commission on Human Rights replaced by something better, something whose members might actually give a flying falafel about human rights. This replacement body is to be called the Human Rights Council.

Well, the people trying to put this together just got a suggestion from the 57-member Organization of the Islamic Conference. Meeting in solemn conclave over there in one of those places with a lot of sand, these panjandrums of the Muslim world demand that the charter of the new body include a clause banning, quote, "all defamation of religions and prophets" and also machinery to, quote, "bring to justice the defamers." This of course follows the flap about Danish newspapers publishing cartoons, disrespectful of Mohammed.

Just a question here. Will this proposed ban cover the astoundingly offensive antisemitic cartoons and articles that regularly feature in the press of Muslim nations, including the government press?

Here's a clue. That organization making the demand declared the Danish cartoons to be, quote, "part of a campaign by Zionist and hostile circles in the West to deface Islam."

Whereas the hunchbacked Jew toting his bag of gold in the average Muslim-nation newspaper cartoon was just fair comment on the world-manipulating machinations of Zionist bloodsuckers.


10 — Signoff.     Well, there you have it, listeners. Spring is here and the liberals are emerging from their winter torpor, gathering in their covens and cells to plot more mischief and mayhem against the Republic.

Meanwhile, here on Long Island, the snow is melting, the birds are singing and the crocuses are out. It's almost enough to make you believe the human race might survive another decade or so. Fingers crossed.


[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]