»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Monday, April 10th, 2006

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Brace yourselves, NRO readers! Radio Derb is on the air once again, ready to make your flesh creep with all the folliess and crimes of mankind from the past few days. Listen and weep.

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02 — Making preposterous excuses while black.     Representative Cynthia McKinney whacked a policeman with her cellphone. A grand jury is now looking into the matter.

McKinney's attorney put the whole incident down to racial profiling. He said it was a case of the lady being in Congress while black.

Some related news items here. Over there on the left coast, Barry Bonds has complained that he is being profiled for playing baseball while black.

Jayson Blair wants it to be known that he never did anything wrong while working for the New York Times. He was just reporting the news while black.

O.J. Simpson told a crowd of cheering supporters that he too was a victim of profiling for having chastised his wife and her companion while black

Colin Ferguson wants his case reopened, saying that he was unfairly profiled for riding the Long Island Railroad while black.

Down there in Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has responded to charges he's violating human rights by declaring that he's being victimized for trying to run a country while black.

Louis Farrakhan has defended himself against critics of his latest speech by saying that they were just getting on his case for him being crazy as a coot while black.

And from the Hereafter, Butterfly McQueen is complaining that she was mocked all her life for failing to provide obstetric services while black.

From a different region of the Hereafter, Shaka Zulu says that historians have given him a bad rap for building a military empire while … [Fadeout.]

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03 — Year Four of Iraq's new politics.     Following last December's elections in Iraq the main bloc among the elected representatives, which is Shiite, nominated Ibrahim al-Jaafari — who, believe it or not, is also a Shiite — to be Prime Minister. This didn't please the other two big blocs, the Sunnis and the Kurds.

The U.S. and Britain, who between them have spent close to half a trillion dollars, not to mention over two thousand of their citizens' lives, trying to establish a stable Iraqi government, waited patiently through several weeks for the Iraqis to sort out their differences.

When nothing happened and looked like going on happening indefinitely, Condoleezza Rice flew to Baghdad with Jack Straw, who sounds like a minor character from a Dickens novel, but is in fact her Britannic Majesty's Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs.

Heaven forbid anyone might think that Rice and Straw went to Baghdad hoping to knock Iraqi heads together. That would be to insult the proud, independent people of Iraq and their elected leaders.

Whatever the motivation for the trip, it only made matters worse. Quote: "They complicated the thing and now it's more difficult to solve," declared Kurdish leader Mahmoud Osman. Ms Rice protested that she was only trying to be Secretary of State while black. Mr Straw said that the Iraqis were naughty boys who deserved to be keen on their bare bottoms. Mr al-Jaafari said that if anyone wants his prime ministerial seal of office, they'll have to pry it from his cold dead fingers.

And the fourth year of Iraq's reconstruction is underway!

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04 — Duke lacrosse players profiled.     Back in England we used to say that soccer is a game for gentlemen played by hooligans, while rugby is a game for hooligans played by gentlemen.

Over here in the colonies it's all different. The hooligans, at any rate to judge from Tom Wolfe's novels, gravitate towards football and basketball while well-nurtured middle-class kids are channeled into soccer and lacrosse.

So it's been a bit shocking to hear of the goings-on at Duke University, where members of a white male lacrosse team are accused of being beastly to two black hookers they had engaged in a spirit of sociological inquiry.

An attorney for the lacrosse player says they are being profiled for partying while white.

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05 — A song for Katie.     Katie Couric, who must surely have been pulled over and ticketed at some point in her life for driving while insufferably winsome, has transferred her employment from some TV network to some other TV network. Since neither network is Fox News, I can't be bothered to look up the details.

Meanwhile, if you want a little harmless fun in your lunch break, you might log on to the Media Research Center's voluminous file on our Katie. It's all at www.mediaresearch.org [Added when transcribing in 2018: nowadays at www.mrc.org], and it will leave you in no doubt that America's sweetheart has for seventeen years now been a shill for the far left.

She has fawned over Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Michael Moore, Ramsey Clark, Ted Kennedy, Maureen Dowd, and every hatchet-faced feminist drab to crawl out from under a copy of The Andrea Dworkin Reader; and she has called Ronald Reagan an airhead, crowed over Rush Limbaugh's problem with painkillers, accused George Bush of alienating the world, and blamed hurricans on global warming.

You go, girl … to wherever it is you're going, and take with you the following little song tribute from Radio Derb.

[Clears throat. Sings, to the tune of "K-K-K-Katy."]

K-K-K-Katie,
Liberal Katie,
You're the g-g-g-girl the lefties all adore.

When c-c-c-cameras
Are r-r-r-rolling
There's no doubt which p-p-p-party you vote for.

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06 — Naming laws after victims.     Here is another female legislator — a Democrat yet, in spite of which, I must say, I rather like the cut of her jib.

New York State Assemblywoman Barbara Clark has introduced a bill to forbid lawmakers from naming legislation after crime victims.

The New York Post, which of course promptly tagged the proposed legislation as Barbara's Law, noted that just here in the New York area, we have Jenna's Law, Megan's Law, Stephanie's Law, Kendra's Law, Manny's Law …?, VaShawn's Law and Buster's Law.

Who can keep them straight? Which one mandates registration of sex offenders, and which one makes animal cruelty a felony? Beats me. Manny's law, I suppose, is the one that protects children from being forced to eat matzoh-ball soup.

Anyway, I'm totally with Assemblywoman Clark on this one. The law should be cold, stern, and impersonal.

This doesn't, however, apply to principles of science or philosophy, like Newton's Laws of Motion or Murphy's law. It certainly doesn't apply to Derb's Law. That's the one that guarantees that of all the Radio Derb segments you submit to NRO, the one you are most proud of is sure to be the one that gets spiked by the NRO editors.

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07 — Two sides of Tom DeLay.     Tom DeLay rose from humble origins to become a mighty warrior in the conservative cause. Last week he announced his resignation from Congress, citing fears that he might lose his congressional seat in the fall elections.

DeLay inspires mixed feelings in this conservative commentator. A brilliant political organizer who is a staunch conservative: What's not to like? Unfortunately DeLay saw it as part of his mission not just to keep Congress and the nation Republican, but to turn the lobbying industry that way too.

That got him into bed — or at least on the golf course — with sleazemeister Jack Abramoff and got his party addicted to spending-bill earmarks, and thence to excessive government spending in general.

All right. It's hard to forgive the spending abuses, and you can call DeLay a CINO if you like — that's a Conservative In Name Only. He was a bulwark of his party though, and a master tactician.

If we could clone off that side of the man onto a true small-government fiscal conservative, think what we could accomplish! Well, I can dream.

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08 — Little Red Book Booster?     The Rolling Stones shuffled off to China to give a concert there. It is a well-known fact that the Chinese have great reverence for old age, so the Stones should be well-treated.

However, four of the songs they suggested for the concert were vetoed by the Chinese authorities. My sources in Beijing tell me that the offending numbers were "Yellow Sugar," "Taiwan is On My Side," "Sympathy for the Foreign Devil," and "You Can't Always Get Egg Foo Yung."

Oh, note to Keef Richards, whose wrinkles are now so dramatically long and deep, they're visible from the surface of the Moon. Keef: In China, possession of illicit substances will get you twenty years hard labor on the Qinghai plateau, breaking rocks up into really little stones that don't roll at all. So please just check through your luggage one more time before you leave, just to be on the safe side.

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09 — The Senate ponders illegal aliens.     The United States Senate in all its solemn pomp tackled the issue of illegal immigration.

Now, the main point to grasp about illegal immigration is that it is, as the late Sonny Bono sagely observed, illegal. Congress function is therefore to press the Executive to enforce the laws that Congress has already passed and to allocate the funds for the Executive to do so.

That, however, is much too simplistic for our noble Senators. Last week they set about erecting a vast new government program, with "undocumented workers" sliced and diced into various categories according to the details of their, uh, documentation.

Since the Citizenship and Immigration Service is already backlogged by several years, there isn't the remotest chance they could administer this new bureaucratic extravaganza; but petty details like that are far beneath the concern of Senatorial minds.

So are such irrelevancies as the safety of the American public. A proposed amendment that would prohibit any illegal alien convicted of a felony or three misdemeanors from obtaining U.S. citizenship was quashed by Senate Democrats. Head Democrat panjandrum Harry Reid said that such a mean-spirited amendment would, quote, "gut" the Immigration Bill.

Personally, I came away from the Senate debate wanting to gut a few Senators. I was awakened from these uncharitable thoughts by the reflection that such an exercise in evisceration would be pointless since you can't gut a person who doesn't have any guts.

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10 — Signoff.     That's all from the passing charivari for this week, folks. Watch the NRO main page for more suicide-inducing negativity from Radio Derb.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]