»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, April 28th, 2006

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Da da-daa, da da-daa, da-da da-da da-da daa. De daa daa daa de da-dada-dada … Oh, there you are. Just practicing my scat singing there. Why do they call it "scat singing," though? Isn't scat like … Well, never mind that.

Let's get on with the show. This is John Derbyshire with your weekly edition of Radio Derb. Like a certain character in Howard Dean's favorite New Testament book, I have been going to and fro in the earth and walking up and down in it, and here is what I've seen.

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02 — Congresscritters guzzle gas.     America is feeling the pinch of high gas prices. Don't panic, though: Our courageous and sapient congresscritters are on the case.

Here is Senator Barbara Boxer talking to a Washington Post reporter, quote: "Since George Bush and Dick Cheney took over as President and Vice President, gas prices have doubled. They are too cozy with the oil industry." End quote. The California Senator then hopped into her 18-miles-per-gallon Chrysler LHS and drove the one block to her Senate office.

This was after a meeting in the nation's Capitol. As the rest of the noble Senators emerged from that meeting, the Post reporter noted that the greenest of the Senators was Richard Lugar, Republican of Indiana, who was picked up by his hybrid Toyota Prius, 60 miles per gallon.

That's quadruple the fuel efficiency of his Indiana counterpart, Democrat Evan Bayh, who was met by a Dodge Durango V8, 14 miles per gallon.

At the same time, the Post goes on, House Republicans were meeting, also in the Capitol, for their weekly caucus. Topic A: gas prices. The House driveway was jammed with cars, many of them idling, including eight Chevrolet Suburbans, which log around 14 miles per gallon.

Interesting. Not News out here in the suburbs though, I live near the corner of my street where the school bus stops so I can be sniffy about this, but I note that neighbors a hundred yards along the street pile kid or kids into their humongous SUVs and drive them to the corner to meet the bus. In winter they sit there with engines idling till the bus comes.

What's America coming to? To get to school when I was a lad we had to trudge for miles across the howling wastelands of central Northamptonshire, leap from ice flow to ice flow across the frozen river Nene, and scale the near-vertical heights south of the town, while trolls hurled rocks down on our heads …

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03 — Moussaoui trial goes to jury.     Jurors in the Zacarias Moussaoui trial, deliberating whether Moussaoui should be executed or not.

They've already found him guilty of involvement in the 9/11 attacks. While the jury is out, authorities at the court house in Alexandria, Virginia are taking the opportunity to clean the place up.

Two full dumpster-loads of tear-soaked Kleenex tissues have already been removed from the courthouse, left there by the parade of weeping witnesses determined to show the world that, while we may not know how to find Osama bin Laden, or know how to get a constitutional government up and running in Iraq, or how to secure our nation's ports and borders, when it comes to exhibiting our emotions, America leads the world.

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04 — The immigration-enforcement con job.     At locations in 26 different states, immigration authorities arrested nearly twelve hundred undocumented employees of a firm making wooden pallets.

Criminal charges were filed against seven managers of the firm. It was the greatest number of immigration arrests from one company in U.S. history.

It was also one of the greatest con jobs in U.S. history, as most of the illegals were released on their own recognizance — translation: they were let go with no penalty — within hours. It did not escape the attention of observers that the highly publicized roundup occurred just as the U.S. Senate was assembling to consider new immigration legislation.

As for those criminal charges against the company managers: One of those managers commented when asked that, quote, "Yeah, that's right, we've been charged. The guy from immigration enforcement told us not to worry, though. The charges will be dropped as soon as the fuss has died …"

The rest of his remarks were too muffled to make out owing to one of the supervising officers having begun to cram a sock into the speaker's mouth.

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05 — Veep takes nap.     While our own President Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao were giving a briefing at the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney, seated over at one side, took the opportunity to catch a few z's.

On general grounds this is something we should encourage and applaud. Since practically everything the federal government does is harmful to the nation, the less they do the better; and if they were all to sleep all the time, the nation would likely be better off.

Remember the great days of the Reagan administration when "sleeping with the President" was a synonym for "attending a cabinet meeting." In the particular case of Cheney, there's the additional argument that he's less dangerous to those in his vicinity when he's asleep.

Anyway, President Hu was schooled in the pure relativism of Vladimir Lenin, who taught that there is no such thing as truth, only the interests of the Party. Thus anything Hu says can be assumed to be a lie and not worth listening to.

Doze on, Mr Vice President.

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06 — Duke lacrosse players to be tried, then hanged.     You remember that bit in the movie One-Eyed Jacks jacks where Marlon Brando from behind the bars of his jail cell asks, "Don't I get a fair trial?" and the sheriff replies, "Sure, we'll give ya a fair trial. And then we'll hang ya."

District Attorney Mike Nifong down in Durham, North Carolina belongs to the same school of law enforcement philosophy as that sheriff. D.A. Nifong, just to remind you, is in charge of the case in which three members of the Duke University lacrosse team are alleged to have raped a stripper that the team had hired to amuse them.

Well, the D.A. called in the stripper and showed her a photo lineup to see if she could pick out the guys she claims assaulted her. Guess what? Every one of the photos was of a Duke lacrosse player. It was in fact the entire Duke team minus its one black member.

Experts are complaining that you have to include random participants in a lineup. Gary Wells, president of the American Psychology Law Society described Nifong's little stunt as, quote, "a multiple choice test without any wrong answers."

Nifong doesn't care and neither do the mainstream media. They didn't care when forensics failed to turn up a DNA match. They don't care now that we're hearing this stripper has cried rape before, then backed down. They're going to give these rich white guys a fair trial and then they're going to hang them.

Did I mention that D.A. Nifong is up for re-election against two other Democrats in a town that's 44 percent African American?

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07 — A day without scofflaws.     Mayday! Mayday, mayday, mayday! Yes, May Day. Monday, May 1st, the international communist movement's favorite day for celebration.

It's going to be a special day here in Upper Mexico, still referred to by some reactionary nativist bigots as "the U.S.A." Mayday is to be a day without illegal immigrants. All those good-hearted people doing the jobs Americans won't do … er, won't be doing them for a day.

Those howls of anguish you will hear all across Middle America will be U.S. citizens reacting to the prospect of having to mow their own lawns and mind their own kids. Hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of scofflaws will be clogging up the streets of our towns and cities so that we can't get to work either. That, in fact, is the whole idea. The organizers boast that they will close down our cities.

Are you getting this? Twelve million people invade our country, then boast that they're going to bring our cities to a halt.

To make the scene more colorful, Spanish-language radio stations are encouraging all the good-hearted people — the ones who've invaded our country so they can shut down our cities — to sing The Star-Spangled Banner in Spanish.

Several businesses, including the Clintons' old pals at Tyson Foods, will be ceasing operations for the day since so many of their employees are illegal.

Doesn't that mean the officers of these companies are violating the law?

Come on. Only a hate-filled bigot would ask a question like that.

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08 — Mobile phone blues.     Mobile Phones Affect Brain function says this newspaper headline I'm looking at.

No kidding. The story opens, quote: "Radiation from mobile phones affects the way the brain works, Australian researchers have found."

You know what? I've found the same thing. To be exact, what I've found is that when I'm surrounded by people yapping and jabbering on their cell phones, my brain becomes so suffused with rage that it ceases functioning at all.

There isn't anything to be about this. Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad, and this is just their way of doing it.

Help me, NRO readers, help me! I'm being driven crazy by this buzz of semi-conversations that seems to be going on all around me all day long now. For goodness sake, tell me what to do. I can be reached at the offices of National Review, or by cell phone on 212-555-8038.

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09 — Burned-out foreign pop star offers political advice.     Sorry, but you just can't get away from the immigration issue.

Here comes falsetto folk-rock singer Neil Young with a song in which he urges us to impeach President Bush. Here's a sample; and I'm sorry, but I don't know the tune, so I'll substitute a generic Neil Young tune.

[Sings, to the tune of Helpless.]

Let's impeach the President for lyin',
And leanin' our country into war.
Abusin' all the power that we gave him.
And shippin' all our money out the door.

Well, you get the idea. I sure hope you do, I can't keep that up for long.

What's this got to do with immigration? Well, Neil Young is not a U.S. citizen. He's Canadian. He can't even vote. The guy's been here for forty years and he's never bothered to take out citizenship. And this Canuck is telling us to impeach our president.

Hey, moose lover: Go impeach your own head of state. That will be Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, in case you've forgotten. When we need political advice from foreigners, we'll ask for it.

Give me a few chords, Neil.

[Me singing again, to background music from My My, Hey Hey.]

My, my, hey, hey.
Forty years residence in L.A.
You've worn out your welcome, Neil.
Now please go away.
My, my, hey, hey.

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10 — Signoff.     Well, that's it, kiddies. Assuming we all survive the trauma of a day without illegal immigrants, you'll be hearing from me again this time next week. John Derbyshire here, signing off for Radio Derb.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]