»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, July 28th, 2006

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Another week, another Radio Derb to put you right on what's been happening in the world.

This is John Derbyshire sitting up here in the attic with Hilbert the hamster. Say Hello to the ladies and gentlemen, Hilbert. [Long pause.] Right. Well, you know, sometimes you just don't feel like socializing.

Okay, what's been happening in the human drama this past few days? What's been happening is mostly mayhem and slaughter; but why should this week be different from any other week?

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02 — Diversity is Lebanon's strength!     Plainly, there are two different populations in Lebanon. Population One wants to work away diligently and entrepreneurially under the Mediterranean sun to reclaim the title "Paris of the East" for Beirut. The other population wants to kill Jews.

Fortunately —well, it seems fortunate to me, anyway — the first population lives mostly in the middle and north of the country, the second population mostly in the south where Hezbollah got eighty percent of the vote in last year's elections.

So why not just break the country up into two? Then Israel could just declare war on the second nation and flatten it without making too much trouble for the first nation, who could get on with tourism and import-export and all that good stuff.

I suppose that's too simple. Seems to me that what we're seeing in Lebanon — and also in Iraq, and in various other places from Ulster to Kashmir — is a huge flashing billboard advertisement for the proposition that national boundaries should coincide with ethnic boundaries.

[Sound of alarm going off.]

[Alarm sound continues at a lower level.] Darn it, that's the thoughtcrime alarm. How do I switch it off? Oh, I remember. I have to recite out loud a hundred times. [Clear throat.]

Diversity is good! Diversity is enriching! Diversity is our strength! That's one.

Diversity is good! Diversity is enriching! Diversity is our strength! That's two.

Diversity is good! Diversity is enriching! Diversity … [Fadeout.]

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03 — The U.N. clown show.     The United Nations naturally took the opportunity of the fighting in Lebanon to make a contemptible idiot of itself.

The U.N. chief of humanitarian aid accused Israel of a "disproportionate response" to the Hezbollah attacks. Quote: "For every civilian killed in Israel there are more than ten killed in Lebanon."

Well, let's think this through. Jewish population of Israel and the settlements, less than six million. Israel-hating population of the Middle East, over three hundred million. Three hundred divided by six gives you fifty. So if the Israeli Defense Force kills fifty of Israel's enemies for every dead Israeli, they are just about holding the line. You can't argue with arithmetic.

And then some U.N. command post in Lebanon got hit by an Israeli shell. Well, they had it coming. These so-called U.N. "observers" have been observing away there in south Lebanon for six years, apparently never noticing that Hezbollah was shipping in truckloads of Iranian missiles.

How do you miss thirteen thousand missiles coming into the territory you're supposed to be observing? Why, by being a good U.N. employee. That is to say, by busying yourself with running scams, like the multimillion dollar drug operation run out of the U.N. mail room here in New York — that's the most recent one we've uncovered. Also by taking bribes and turning a blind eye when you're paid to do so.

That's the U.N. for you. Why on earth do we tolerate the existence of this clown show on American soil, let alone finance it? We must be nuts.

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04 — Mideast: Let 'em fight.     What's Condi Rice doing? Beats me.

Off she went to Rome to confer with a bunch of Euroweenies, all wetting their pants in case the latest Mideast ructions should bring their domestic Muslims out onto the streets.

The Euroweenies wanted the Lebanon fighting to stop at once, so that Hezbollah could restock its supplies of missiles, ready to kill more Jews next month or next year. Condi vetoed that, saying that the US wants a sustainable ceasefire.

Was there anything here that couldn't have been foreseen before Condi got on her plane? Was her journey really necessary? Why not just sit on our hands and let the Israelis do what they have to do for as long as it takes?

Hezbollah are our enemies too. They've killed hundreds of Americans, starting with the Beirut barracks attack back in 1983. We should be cheering on the Israelis. Every one of these Hezbollah swine that they kill is a net gain for the U.S.A.

Come home, Condi, and stay home.

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05 — Has Condi gone native at State?     A footnote to that last one.

The political rumor mill is grinding out all sorts of stories about how Condi has gone native at the State Department, and she is now firmly opposed to any real action by the United States against rogue states; that she prefers endless meaningless negotiations with the Euroweenies and the U.N. weenies, and so on.

Is there anything to all this? Is it just bureaucratic turf wars, clash of personalities, real matters of substance, or what?

Don't ask me. I'm not plugged into high level gossip.

I'll tell you this for sure, though: that whoever is Secretary of State when Iran goes nuclear will have an awful lot to answer for from us and from our children.

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06 — No tears for Joe Lieberman.     I'm a wee bit short on sympathy this week, folks. In fact, at the risk of spoiling my image as a damp-eyed bleeding heart moved to tears by any kind of injustice or misfortune, I have to admit I don't give a flying fandango about Joe Lieberman and his bid for re-election to the Senate.

Even aside from the fact that I disagree with Lieberman about the Iraq war, I don't see why he should expect the support of his party when he is at odds with them on such a fundamental issue.

In any case, I sniff a faint odor of entitlement around Joe. Since he graduated from law school back in 1967, Lieberman has spent all but five years of his life in politics: as a State Senator, state Attorney General, and U.S. Senator. He's been in the U.S. Senate for eighteen years. Joe has got rich, fat and famous in … what do they call it? … oh yes: "public service."

Speaking as a person who favors term limits, I think Joe's had a pretty good innings. It's time for him to do the Cincinnatus thing. There's no constitutional right to go on getting elected.

Go home, Joe. Take a cab. Spend a few years doing something that adds to the national wealth instead of subtracting from it. Give someone else a chance at the "public service" trough.

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07 — Too darn hot.     Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.

We've had a rash of weather headlines this past few days. Europe Sweats through Record-Breaking July says this one in the Washington Post. The story quotes a French meteorologists as saying that this July may be the hottest month on record. Given the standards of personal hygiene for which the French are so well known, this really doesn't bear thinking about.

In St Louis storms knocked downed power lines and half a million people lost power.

Oh, here's another headline: Heat Prompts Power Emergency in California. Apparently triple-digit heat in the Golden State has been hard on livestock as well as people, according to the State Agriculture Department. Quote:

In the San Joa Joaquin Valley, a combination of the searing heat, bigger dairies, and fewer plants to properly dispose of dead animals, created a backlog of rotting carcasses. Quote inside the quote: "They're just sitting out there in the sun drawing flies," said Fresno County dairy farmer Brian Pacheco.

End all quotes.

"Sitting out there in the sun drawing flies." Euiw! Odor-wise, that sounds worse than the Paris Metro.

Meanwhile, in New York City, a hundred thousand people were without power for eight days. Money quote from one of the affected New Yorkers: "We called Con Ed to report that we had no electricity, but we couldn't get through. All we got was a recording telling us to push one for English, two for Spanish."

Well, that's the state of the culture, isn't it? Whether the power company can actually supply you with power is a secondary matter. They're reaching out to the Hispanic community — that's the main thing.

One more weather note. Nobel laureate Paul Crutzen at the Scripps Institute thinks we could solve global warming by shooting sulphur into the upper atmosphere. That, he reasons, is what volcanoes do, and your average volcanic eruption cools the earth noticeably.

Hmm, I don't know about this. I mean, sulfur — what does that make you think of? Especially when you remember that the old name for sulfur was brimstone. I tell you, the last days are coming.

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08 — Tub Ma Beats Rap.     Here's a headline that caught my eye: Tub Ma Beats Rap. That was in my New York Post. I shall know that the last days really are at hand when the Post uses a two-syllable word in a headline.

Anyway, the Tub Ma in that headline refers not to some Burmese drug baron or West African warlord, but to Houston housewife Andrea Yates, who drowned her five children one by one in the family bathtub.

Mrs Yates did indeed beat the rap in her retrial, being found not guilty by reason of insanity. She will now be confined in a state mental hospital until she's learned how to fake out the shrinks who will be in charge of reviewing her condition every so often.

Rusty Yates, the father of those five dead children, applauded the verdict. He stands by his woman. Well, sort of: He's actually divorced Andrea since she drowned the tots, but they stay in touch. It was, you know, one of those amicable divorces.

He says the two of them often reminisce about the children. Listening to Rusty, in fact, you can't help thinking that the court pinned the insanity label on the wrong parent here.

Anyway, Andrea is off the hook and no doubt will be out in a couple of years looking for paid employment. Anyone in the Houston area need a babysitter?

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09 — Illegal Alien Privilege.     Here's the sob story of the week, from Associated Press. Quote:

When he started high school, Matias Bernal's English was so limited, he stumbled over the words for numbers and colors. Four years later he was on the wait list at Princeton.

But Bernal is an illegal immigrant from Mexico City. Without access to financial aid, grants and most scholarships, he pushed aside the Ivy League brochures and prepared to attend Cal State Fresno, where he could live with family and pay tuition with money from jobs he was not supposed to have.

"I was crushed," he said.

End quote.

Poor guy! ¡Qué injusticia! After Mr Bernal went to all the trouble to gatecrash our country, we won't let him attend an Ivy League college!

The AP report goes on to tell us that sixty-five thousand illegal immigrants graduate from U.S. high schools each year. Many go on to college; and in ten of these United States, these students pay in-state tuition rates at state colleges. That means they get their college education — heavily subsidized by state taxpayers — for less than a U.S. citizen from out of state pays.

Why? Because illegal immigrants are a Designated Victim Group, a protected class with special rights and privileges.

Mere citizens must step aside so that the illegal immigrants can be waved through. Not to do so would be mean-spirited, discriminatory, and very likely racist.

I tell you, the way things are going in this country, it's only a matter of time before we citizens are hustled off onto reservations so that the illegal immigrants can come into their birthright.

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10 — Signoff.     Well, there you go, NRO readers. Looks like things can't get any worse. I'm sure they will, though, and Radio Derb will be here to tell you about it.

Until next week, this is John Derbyshire exhorting you to keep reading NRO, keep smiling, keep your peckers up, and don't take any wooden nickels.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]