»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, August 25th, 2006

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     [Sings] "Home, home, on the range …" [Normal voice] Yes, folks, it's your peripatetic presenter John Derbyshire here, fresh from a jaunt out West.

Boy, what a lot of empty space there is out there! Three Miles Ahead said the sign on I-90 out of Missoula, Next Rest Area 138 Miles. You just don't see that kind of thing on Long Island.

Of course, big wide empty spaces like that offend the administration, who are working hard to fill them up with illegal immigrants. If administration plans succeed, pretty soon Montana will look like New Jersey, and New Jersey will look like Singapore.

Hey, it's all in the interest of diversity, so who could possibly complain? Come on in everybody! There's plenty of room.

Okay. Here's your weekly Radio Derb with some snippets from the news.

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02 — Survivor does race.     The new season of the reality TV show Survivor is going to be organized around racial classifications.

Never having watched Survivor I had to look it up on Wikipedia. The description is as follows, quote: "At least sixteen strangers are stranded in a remote location and divided into equally sized teams called tribes. They compete against each other in competitions called challenges." End quote.

This year's remote location is to be the Cook Islands in the South Pacific, and apparently there's going to be a white tribe, a black tribe, a Latino tribe, and an Asian tribe.

What a concept! Of course, we all know how it'll turn out.

First thing the white tribe will do is to give affirmative action to the other three groups so they don't have to work so hard to win. Then they'll open the borders of the island so the Latinos can come in and do the chores for them.

The blacks will start by forming an Association of Black Islanders, which will busy itself with complaining that the show's challenges are biased against minorities.

The Asians will mass-produce tremendous quantities of cheap goods and flood the other three islands with them, the aim being to keep the other contestants busy buying stuff while the Asians concentrate on finding a violin teacher for their kids.

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03 — Duelling shorty cultists.     Here's a little game, listeners. See if you can match the descriptions to the names.

  • Description one: an undersized egomaniac practicing a peculiar minority religion that he believes will conquer the world one day.
  • Description two: an undersized egomaniac practicing a peculiar minority religion that he believes will conquer the world one day.

Got those? Now here are the names you have to match to the descriptions.

  1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
  2. Tom Cruise.

Can you match the descriptions to the names? Go on, try.

Of course I'm just spoofing here. There actually are some differences between the Poison Dwarf of Tehran and the Couch Jumper of L.A. For one thing, Ahmadinejad still has a job.

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04 — A bolthole for Ahmadinejad.     If President Ahmadinejad does get the boot — and assuming he survives the experience, which is by no means a sure thing in his neck of the woods — he might want to consider heading off somewhere for a little R&R.

You know, find a nice secluded beach someplace where he can kick off his shoes and wind down with a few chilled drinks and a couple of cigars and some beach reading, perhaps Protocols of the Elders of Zion, something like that.

Well, where should Ahmadinejad go? The further, the better, surely. I suggest the asteroid Ceres, which has an orbit between those of Mars and Jupiter. Ceres has recently been upgraded from asteroid to dwarf planet, so it sounds like just the place for Mahmoud.

Two other bodies in the solar system got upgraded at the same time. Pluto's moon Charon and a remote object known by the mysterious and evocative name 2003 UB313.

Counting dwarf planets as planets, we have thus gone from the nine that you learned in school up to twelve. The old mnemonic, "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas," won't work anymore. We need a new one.

Ever ready to respond to the call of public service, I humbly offer the following: "Mahmoud, Violent Extremist Midget, Cheers Jihadi Suicides. U.N. People Cheer Too [i.e. 2]."

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05 — The far shores of wackiness.     I see that a fellow has been arrested for the murder of JonBenét Ramsey ten years ago.

Of course, we don't yet know if this champ did the crime. He sure seems wacky enough to have done it. Unfortunately he also seems wacky enough to have confessed to a crime he didn't do, and the stories he's been telling so far leak like sieves.

"Wacky" hardly covers this guy, in fact. According to the New York Post he is totally obsessed with celebrity culture. Quote: "He often described in minute detail aspects of celebrities' lives and seemed particularly fixated on Sonny and Cher." End quote.

Sonny and Cher! Wacky doesn't come any wackier than that … except perhaps in the case of parents who train a six-year-old girl to pose, strut, sashay, and flounce like an adult beauty queen.

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06 — Happy birthday, Bubba!     What would Radio Derb be without a song? Here is a birthday song for the Big Bubba, who turned sixty the other day.

[Sings.]

Happy birthday, dear Bill.
Now you're over the hill.
Lefty Boomers still love you
And they're missing you still.

But we righties still think
You belong in the clink.
By your lies under oath
You made the presidency stink.

Well, that's all in the past.
Now you're having a blast.
No more probes or imnquiries —
You're a free man at last!

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07 — An undercurrent of pigginess.     News from the art world.

At a gallery in Cornwall, England, young artist Kira O'Reilly is staging a performance piece in which she sits or lies stark naked cradling a dead pig for four hours.

Apparently this is highly therapeutic for the artist. On the gallery's website Ms O'Reilly — who, so far as I know, is not related to any populist Fox News presenter — enthuses that, quote: "The work left me with an undercurrent of pigginess. Unexpected fantasies of mergence and interspecies metamorphoses began to flicker into my consciousness. End quote.

What's flickering into my consciousness just now is the thought that if people are paying good money to see Ms O'Reilly embrace her pig, or ex-pig, Western Civ is on the way out … But perhaps that's just an undercurrent of pigginess in me.

PETA has launched a protest, of course; though since the animal is already dead when Ms O'Reilly embraces it, I don't know what the grounds of their complaint are. Perhaps they're just trying to hog the limelight.

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08 — Pontifical advice.     You know, I'm starting to warm to this new Pope, Benedict the Sixteenth.

In the Sunday address from his country house last week, Benedict warned the faithful that too much work can be bad for you.

To buttress his case he quoted from the works of a twelfth-century divine, St Bernard of Chiaravalle, quote: "We have to guard ourselves from the dangers of excessive activity because too many concerns can often lead to hardness of heart." End Quote.

Well, far be it for me to argue with a Pope and a Saint. I'm going to go lie down and watch some TV before my heart starts to harden. As the late great Ronald Reagan was wont to observe: "They say hard work never killed anybody; but I figure, why take a chance?"

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09 — Signoff.     Okay, off I go to guard myself from the dangers of excessive activity, as per the Pope's advice … and before the battery in my Dell laptop explodes.

Tune in again next week for more wit, wisdom and wackiness from Radio Derb. Here's Franz Joseph Haydn to see us out.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]