»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, September 8th, 2006

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[Music clip: Soaring chords, orchestra and chorus.]

01 — Intro.     Mm, well you know, I just thought we have a change from heightened this week. That was the United States air force band and they're singing Sondra. This is John [inaudible] and his cackling corporals bringing you all the news of the week on a radio dub. Sorry about last week's absence. Labor day kind of snuck up on me. Then there was the joy of standing in an 800 word John Checkout line at staples to buy school supplies. You know how it is at this time of year, but enough of these pathetic excuses. Let's go to the ticket tapes and see what's happening in the so called real world.

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02 — Tttttt.     Americans sometimes ask me to explain the noble British game of cricket to them. Well, it's perfectly simple. Really. You have two sides, one out in the field and one in each man that's in the side that's in, goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they're all out the side, that's outcomes in on the side that's been in, goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out when he goes out to go in, the men who are out trying to get him out and when he's out, he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two main called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in a route, when both sides have been in and all the men have been out and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out. That's the end of the game. Everyone clear on that? Well, now here's a cricket story from the week's news. In the final city of Leicester in England, September 11th will be marked by a cricket match between on one side, the local Christian clergy and on the other local Muslim Ema ams, one umpire will be a Hindu and the other will be an Orthodox Jew. This of course is all in aid of bringing the different religious communities together. Though I must say if I was that Jewish empire ride, keep a vigilant eye on the Muslim bowlers and let's hopefully event doesn't get disrupted by angry mobs of Buddhists, terrorists, Zoroastrians, wiccans, scientologists, animists, shamanists, Satan worshipers.

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03 — Tttttt.     I am going to confess right now that I had never heard of TV naturalists, Steve Irwin, until the news of his death was all over my New York Post last Monday morning. Apparently Irwin had a program on the discovery channel where he wrestled crocodiles and snakes and such like, look, I'm sorry, I just don't get to watch much TV. Irwin was an Australian who said Crikey, a lot, whether he also said other Australian things like strewth or chunder or fair suck of the old source bottle there bluey or don't come the raw with me, mate, or I'll flaming drop you was not vouchsafed to us by the New York Post reading him up. Anyway, he seems to have been a pretty bonds bloke. I mean to say a fair Dinkum Fella. He was conservative. A big fan of sensible conservative Ozzie Prime Minister John Howard and also have our own President Bush. So now there's one less conservative in the world, which brings our numbers down to what 12 is it a sad loss and not just to the discovery channel.

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04 — Tttttt.     There's a farce in Turkey over a publisher of schoolbooks who's taken the classic children's stories from the West, Tom Sawyer, Pinocchio and the like, and his lamb ified them. This is a big deal in Turkey where the state is supposed to be strictly killer, but the jihadists are winning. Some converts well, I thought I'd make a small contribution to the religion of peace by Islamic fighting. Some of the old familiar mother goose rhymes. My book provisionally titled Mother of All Geese will be out shortly. In the meantime, just to whet your appetite, here are some brief extracts. Diddle diddle dumpling. My son Med lost his faith and when Christian instead, when the image found out, they hacked off his head, diddle diddle dumpling, my son's dead. We Waleed. Winky runs through the town thinking at Jews and shooting them down. Hate crime. Of course not. The Qur'an says it. Plain Jews and like dollar two. Those are all fair game. Another one. How much of this can you take rocket Zionist in Tel Aviv? Once we've got nukes, you'll have reason to grieve. Once we've got missiles, your nation will fall down, will come Israel Zionists and all still more. Malik had a little lamb as white as white could be. He rigged with explosives to make an IED. Well, how about, uh, if care doesn't come after us for this, they're just not doing their job as a cake patty cake. Do you imagine him saying to me to Jihad as fast as you can? I'm back from my training in Afghanistan. My virgins are waiting. I'll die for Islam. Uh, just one more little jelly or sat in a corner eating his Ramadan Pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a bomb and said, all you infidels die. Oh, a whole lot.

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05 — Tttttt.     Fox News reporters, Steve Santana and Oh, last week were kidnapped by jihadists in the Gaza Strip that you hardest told them to convert to Islam and to affirm their new faith on video or else be shot. The two men obediently converted and the video was released to showing them in Arabic robes, proclaiming their new faith and urging George Bush and Tony Blair to follow their example. Later, the two men were released and explained that they hadn't met a word of it. St Anthony went further telling us that quote, I have the highest respect for Islam and I learned a lot of good things about it. Well, here's one thing you were apparently didn't learn Voya under Sharia law, the penalty for renouncing Islam is death, so you and your pal unmarked men, and here's another thing about that religion that you have such terrific respect for Steve. A couple of devout Muslims, if captured by Christian fanatics and told to swear allegiance to Christ, the king or else be shot would most take the bullets. Not only would they be condemned to death under Sharia law otherwise, but among Muslims, it's considered a great honor to die, a martyr for the faith. Is anybody starting to think we might be up against something really formidable here?

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06 — Tttttt.     Not Everybody in Showbiz is left wing, believe it or not. Take for example, producer Mike Judge, the guy who gave us beavis and butthead office space and King of the hill. You may not like judges comedy. It's kind of crude, but he's a reaganite conservative and he's done more lampooning of political correctness. Then anybody this side of radio derbe except possibly for the South Park people. Well judge, his latest movie is titled Idiocracy. The story is that an average joe is put into deep hibernation. He wakes up 500 years in the future and he finds that all the smart people have disappeared. The whole world is populated by morons, fed by the stupidest kind of pop culture, and our hero is now the smartest guy on the planet. Yeah, so wait a minute. You mean to say that judge actually believes that some people are smarter than others. Okay, and that differential breeding rates could eliminate smart people and put the dimwits in charge of everything and that this would be a bad theme. Langley, this guy is some kind of Nazi. No Wonder Fox is doing its best to deep six the movie. Don't expect to see it advertised in your local newspaper. The promotional budget is zero. The great mystery here is why the Fox execs commissioned this movie in the first place. They must be really, really stupid. Yeah, but if one of our major media corporations is run by terminally stupid people, doesn't that sort of make the movies point

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07 — Tttttt.     here is the US Senate senates only black member Barack Obama on a visit to Kenya. Senator Obama's dad came from a village in Kenya, so naturally the senator has that sentimental attachment to the place since Obama senior actually abandoned the family when Obama junior was two years old, you'd think the senator had even more of a sentimental attachment to Kansas, the native place of his mother who actually went to the trouble of raising him, but hey, this is America where one black parent entitles you to victim points. Even if that parent didn't stick around very long, you could ask Haley Berry. So here's the junior senator from Illinois in Kenya lecturing the Kenyans on the need to crack down on corruption. Yeah. Let me just say that again. Senator Obama went to Africa, bringing a message of clean, honest government with him all the way from Chicago

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08 — Tttttt.     a couple of months ago. I said in one of my online diaries that the economy is doing well, I'm doing well, and it looks like the people around me are doing well. I don't think I'm ever going to hear the last of that. Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and email us all piled on to tell me that they are not doing well, that they're thinking of giving up their health insurance because they can't any longer afford it though they don't know how they'll pay for their kid's college that they don't think they'll ever be able to afford to retire and they wonder who exactly is benefiting from all this good news. We hear about the economy. Well, don't ask me. I'm an economic illiterate. I kind of see what my protesting friends mean though. Just looking up some numbers. I see that median household income fell two point nine percent in the last five years. Unemployment is at four point seven percent, which doesn't seem bad, but it's up from four percent in the year, 2000 and wages for started jobs that's for graduates from high schools and college are falling. You shipping containers for goods imported from China are piling up on the west coast because we have nothing to send back in them. Now. People have started living in those containers. Meanwhile, people with actual houses to live in or watching their property values for a while. Of course, property taxes rise and the tank of gas costs 50 bucks, but don't worry. The economists doing fine. The American people are drowning in anxiety and debt burden. The economists doing fine

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09 — Tttttt.     news from the cultural front. Mega celebrity. Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood the other day on suspicion of drunk driving, explaining herself to a local radio station the next day. Ms Dot Hilton who is famous for, uh, what exactly the issue famous for. I forget. Anyway, Ms Dot Hilton told listeners that quote, maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an in n out burger and quote and I am not even going to attempt to comment on that. Yeah. Rumors that Ms Dot Hilton when pulled over, it was abusive to police officers telling them that Mel Gibson was the cause of all the worlds wars appear to be unsubstantiated.

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10 — Tttttt.     It wouldn't be radio dub without an immigration story would it? So once all this about the Miller brewing company financing a march in Chicago to demand human rights for illegal immigrants. Human Rights is Spanish for waivers of the country's immigration laws. Okay. The story was that Miller gave $30,000 to the National Council of in your face, gringos or some such organization to help them. March on Denny has to its office in Batavia. The cash was sort of an apology. A few weeks ago. It turned out that Miller had given money to representative Jim Sensenbrenner, a keen advocate of immigration law enforcement. Latin knows started a boycott and Miller scrambled to get themselves out of trouble. Okay. Now they're back in favor with the Latin [inaudible], but they've ticked off the o $200, million or so Americans who'd like to see our laws enforced, so now the Miller suits are denying their cash gift. Had anything to do with the Batavia March. It was just a good natured gesture towards diversity. Boy, it's not easy being an amoral corporation trying to pander to everybody. Remember the old song? What made Milwaukee famous made a monkey out of me? It looks like Miller brewing company needs no help from its product to make a monkey out of itself.

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11 — Signoff.     All right, heightened fans. I won't leave you hungry. Here is one of the dovish marches to see us out. Be sure to tune in again next week for more scenes for mankind's long march of folly here on a radio derm.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]