»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, November 17th, 2006

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Nothing to report this week, Radio Derb listeners. Nope, nothing at all has happened — not a damn thing. So I'm just going to sign off right here. Toodle-oo, ta-ta. Knock me up in the morning.

Oh, just kidding. You know, when the National Review editors are away on one of their cruises, the temptation to goof off is awfully strong.

However, we NRO bloggers are specially selected for our dogged, slavish devotion to the job, even when the boss isn't looking. So here for your pleasure and instruction is the weekly installment of Radio Derb.

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02 — Diversity today, diversity tomorrow, diversity for ever!     The title of Most Arrogant, Elitist Liberal for this election season goes to Ms — and I feel quite sure she is a Ms — Ms Mary Sue Coleman, President of the University of Michigan.

There was a proposal on the November 7th ballot in Michigan to prohibit state agencies and institutions from operating affirmative action programs that grant preferences based on race, color, ethnicity, national origin or sex.

The voters of Michigan approved the proposal by about 58 to 42 in spite of a huge and lavishly-funded campaign opposing it, including a radio appeal by Senator Barack Obama urging Michiganders to vote no — to vote, that is, to preserve race quotas and race preferences. Take note, those of you out there who think that Senator Obama may represent a kinder, gentler liberalism.

Well, Ms Mary Sue Coleman, the President of the University of Michigan, was sputtering mad at this result. She issued a long and bitter statement from which I have taken the following quotes.

I will not stand by while the very heart and soul of this great university is threatened. We are Michigan and we are diversity …

I am joined on these steps by the executive officers and deans of our university. Today I have directed our General Counsel to consider every legal option available to us. I believe there are serious questions as to whether this initiative is lawful. I have asked our attorneys for their full and undivided support in defending diversity at the University of Michigan …

I will begin exploring legal action concerning this initiative. It is a cause that will take our full focus and energy as an institution. We will find ways to overcome the handcuffs that Proposal 2 attempts to place on our reach for greater diversity …

As Susan B. Anthony said in her crusade for equal rights: failure is impossible.

End quotes.

That is the voice of Ms Mary Sue Coleman, President of the University of Michigan. But you know, reading her words, I seemed to hear another voice coming through very faintly from the next world: the slow Alabama drawl of governor George Corley Wallace calling out, "Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation for ever!"

Diversity is not exactly the same thing as segregation, of course; though as an instrument for perpetuating racial consciousness and racial divisions, it's pretty darn close.

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03 — Larry King stands athwart History.     I'll admit that Larry King is not my kind of TV performer. Aside from the fact that he looks as if he's been dead for a while, he's too easy on his interviewees, too clueless about too many things he really ought to be informed about, and too obviously a reflexive media left-liberal.

However, I have now warmed to the old coot a bit. In an interview with Roseanne Barr, Larry confessed that he has never been on the Internet and wouldn't know how. Quote from Larry: "What, do you punch little buttons and things?"

Yes, Larry, something like that. It's hard to dislike a guy who's so determined to buck the zeitgeist he doesn't know how to operate a computer keyboard. You might even say that Larry is standing athwart history crying, "Stop!"

On reflection though, it's probably more a matter of standing athwart history crying: "I have people to do that stuff for me."

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04 — Neoconservatism out, paleorealism in.     All the buzz now is that neoconservatism — solving our national-security problems by spreading democracy, at the point of a sword when necessary — that neoconservatism is dead and that we are about to turn back to good old Nixon-Kissinger-Bush-41 realism: Let foreign folk kill, cook and eat each other if that's what they want to do, just so long as they don't impinge on our national interests.

We hear that the Iraq study group looking into alternative policies on Iraq will recommend some realist deal-cutting with the neighboring powers, especially Iran and Syria, as the only way for us to engineer a non-humiliating exit.

All the high principles of the past three years-worth of Presidential speeches are soon apparently to be declared no longer operational. Iraq was going to be turned into a functioning democracy, to be a beacon of rational government in the Muslim Middle East. The Iranians, the Egyptians, the Syrians, even the Saudis would see the light. Then Islamic fundamentalism, no longer nourished by the pathologies arising from life under tyrannical regimes, would lose its appeal and America would be safe from future 9/11s.

Well, the heck with all that. Now it looks as though we're just going to cut some deals with Iran, Syria and Pakistan, and then get the heck out of there and leave them to fight among themselves — trading in neoconservatism for paleorealism, you might say.

Well, I'm fine with it. We're facing some serious geopolitical problems, by no means only in the Middle East. If we truly have woken from our opium fantasies of making everyone love us by spreading benevolence and good government, we shall be able to face those problems with clear eyes, eyes no longer clouded by sentimentality or ideology.

If the failure of nation-building in Iraq is the factor that wakes us from the aforementioned dreams, then some good will have come out of the Iraq war after all

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05 — British totalitarianism advances.     The title Scariest Politician of the week, at least in the civilized world, goes to British Chancellor Gordon Brown. "Chancellor" is approximately the same as Treasury Secretary and the Chancellor is number two behind the Prime Minister in British government rankings.

Well, the British government has just failed in its second attempt to put Nick Griffin in jail. Mr Griffin is the leader of the immigration-restrictionist party called BNP, the British National Party.

In a speech to supporters Mr Griffin had called Islam a, quote, "wicked vicious faith," and he had said that Muslim immigration was turning Britain into a, quote, "multicultural hell-hole."

That brought the attentions of the Thought Police down on Mr. Griffin's head. He was prosecuted but got off with a hung jury. The government prosecuted him again, and this time Mr Griffin was acquitted.

Here's what Mr Brown — the number two man in the British government, remember — here's what Mr Brown had to say about this verdict. Quote:

Any preaching of religious or racial hatred will offend mainstream opinion in this country, and I think we have got to do whatever we can to root it out from whatever quarter it comes. If that means that we have to look at the laws again, I think we will have to do so.

End quote.

In Mr Brown's mind it's not enough that Britain has laws that forbid you to say that someone else's religion is wicked. He thinks the laws should be stronger so that "mainstream opinion" won't be offended.

When Mr Brown says "mainstream opinion" he means of course the opinions held by enlightened liberals like himself. You didn't think a person as grand as the Chancellor of Britain gives a fig about the opinions of us peasants, did you?

Suggestion for Mr Brown: If you're planning to visit the U.S. of A. any time soon, try to get over to the University of Michigan for tea and crumpets with Mary Sue Coleman. I'm sure you two will find each other perfectly simpatico.

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06 — Stocking stuffer for homicidal psychopaths.     Taking time out from his tireless search for the real killers of his wife and her friend, O.J. Simpson has written a book exploring — strictly in a hypothetical, fictionalized way, you understand — how he would have hacked those two defensiveness people to death if he had chosen to do so, which of course he didn't.

To promote the book Simpson has taped an interview with Fox TV to be aired later this month. It's reported that he broke down and cried while taping the interview.

Poor guy! I mean, you have to feel sorry for him being left a widower and all, with little kids to bring up, and deprived of the lifetime companionship of his wife by the heartless brutes who very nearly hacked off her head. Let's hope those killers aren't left walking free for another 12 years.

Meanwhile, if you're looking for a gift to put into the Christmas stocking of a friend who is a homicidal psychopath with infinite capacities for lying and self pity, O.J.'s book should be just the ticket.

The title of the book is Of course I did it! and it's available through all the usual retail outlets.

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07 — Open-borders forces gather.     Getting its ducks in a row ready to start pushing the 2007 Clinton-Kennedy-Bush Open Borders, Amnesty, and Abolition of Citizenship Bill, the White House has nominated Mel Martinez, the junior U.S. senator from Florida, to head the Republican National Committee.

On the subject of immigration Senator Martinez sounds like a ventriloquist's dummy for George W. Bush. "Path to citizenship for illegals … matching willing workers to willing employers … jobs Americans won't do …," the whole nine yards.

Martinez was a big promoter of the Senate's recent "comprehensive immigration reform" bill — possibly the craziest, stupidest, most anti-American piece of legislation ever to be passed by either house of Congress in the entire history of the republic.

In a comment on the recent election, Senator Martinez said, quote:

I think we have to understand that the election did speak to one issue, and that was that it's not about bashing people, it's about presenting a hopeful face. Border security only, enforcement only, harshness only is not the message that I believe America wants to convey.

Possibly he's right; but just how big a constituency is there in the U.S.A. for no border security and no enforcement of immigration laws — for, I mean, the policies favored by Bush, Martinez, and the Democratic left?

The United States should present a hopeful face to its own citizens. However, we owe nothing to the world's other six billion people. To the degree that we're willing to let any of them come and live here, we should pick and choose those who are best for our country, as every other nation in the world does.

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08 — Miscellany.     Just a miscellany of brief items to wind up, folks.

Item:  I see that the lower house of Japan's parliament has passed a bill encouraging teachers to instill patriotism and respect for tradition in their students. The bill will now go to the upper house. It has the support of Japan's new Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

The bill calls on teachers to instill thinking amongst students, quote, "respecting tradition and culture and loving the nation and homeland," end quote.

If you ask me, we could use a bill like that here in the U.S.A., but think what the ACLU would say.

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Item:  The lower house of parliament in Pakistan, our loyal ally in the War on Terror and a beacon of democracy and sane government in the Muslim world, has voted to overturn Pakistan's current rape laws, according to which a rape victim has to provide four male eyewitnesses to the crime or else face a charge of adultery. The punishment for adultery under Pakistan's Islamic law is lashing and stoning

In spite of this step towards liberalization, however, homosexuals in Pakistan will still have to wear the blue hat.

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Item:  Brian James Hathaway of Duluth, Minnesota is in the dock on charges he had sexual intercourse with a dead deer.

Was it a doe or a buck? I hear you cry. Doe, of course. Nothing weird about Ol' Brian.

Isn't Duluth the hometown of Bob Dylan? Glad you got out of there, Bob.

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Item:  The Toys for Tots program run by the U.S. Marine Reserve got into trouble for refusing to accept Talking Jesus dolls. These are little Jesus figures that recite verses of scripture when you press a button.

Remember Cool Hand Luke? [Sings] "I don't care if it rains or freezes, / Long as I've got my Talking Jesus …" Something like that. Anyway, the Marine Reserve figured that they'd get into trouble if one of these Talking Jesus dolls was handed out to a Jewish or Muslim child.

I hear now that they have changed policy and are accepting the dolls. They also accept other popular figures such as Babbling Buddha, Jabbering Jehovah, Monologue Mohammed, and Voluble Vishnu. The Sweet-Talking Satan line however, has been discontinued.

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09 — Signoff.     Well, there you go, listeners. Another week of vice and folly put behind us; another week closer to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Tune in again next week for more news you can use from Radio Derbe. Take it away, Franz Joseph.

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]