»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, November 30th, 2007

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]

01 — Intro.     Another week, another Presidential debate I missed. I think I've missed about seven in a row now. For a guy who works at a political magazine that's pushing the envelope.

I do read the transcripts though … at least I do until my eyes get heavy. And of course I get all of Ron Paul's contributions excerpted and neatly stitched together for me, and then emailed to me, by about two hundred of Ron's supporters. Boy, this guy has some cheering section.

And I must say, watching the debate excerpts, you can see why. Plain, straightforward message; no evasions or shilly-shallying; good old-fashioned Goldwater conservatism; … Ron Paul makes the other candidates look like bags of wind.

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02 — Ron Paul on the war.     Now, when you say something nice like that about Ron Paul, two things happen.

One is, you get eight thousand emails from the Ron Paul people welcoming you to the cause. The other is that all your establishment conservative friends say: "Yes, but what about the War on Terror? Do you really think that if we pull out of the Middle East, they'll leave us alone?"

Well, no, I don't. And if Ron Paul thinks so, I disagree with him. The jihadist fruitcakes will always be trying to harm our interests. Ron's right, though, that invading their countries isn't gonna get us anywhere much, other than another trillion dollars in hock to the Bank of China. I think we've learned that.

We will defeat jihadism ultimately the way we defeated communism, by waiting it out until Muslims see what a dead end it is, thirty or forty years from now.

In the meantime we should guard our borders, smack back hard at any state that smacks us, and drop these fantasies about democratizing the world and ridding it of evil. If we really believe that a rabble of jihadist nutjobs in nightgowns are an existential threat to the U.S.A., then our civilizational self confidence has sunk even further than I thought.

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03 — Brit does full multiculti grovel.     Here's a lady who got a bit out of her depth in the Muslim world.

Fifty-four-year-old English woman Gillian Gibbons was teaching in an elementary school in Khartoum, capital of the Sudan, which has an Islamic government. Ms Gibbons brought a stuffed teddy bear in to her class of seven-year-olds for them to have as a class mascot.

What should they call the teddy bear? she asked them. Mohammed, the kids said, this being the only name they know. "All right," said Ms Gibbons, "we'll call him Mohammed."

Uh-oh. I guess she forgot to add "peace be upon him," because calling that teddy bear Mohammed has gotten Ms Gibbons fifteen days in the slammer to be followed by deportation.

You'd think the Brits would be wise to how things work in the Sudan after what happened to General Gordon back in 1885. But no, apparently they never learn.

Or more likely, in the sensitive PC-whipped Britain of today, they just don't teach them about General Gordon because he was a wicked colonialist, capitalist, heterosexist exploiter of suffering Sudanese people … although some people will give you an argument about "heterosexist," but we'll let that pass.

Modern multicultural Britain showed its true colors in the person of Ms Gibbons' son John, a 25-year-old marketing consultant. This young man went into full multicultural cringe, sniveling to the BBC that, quote: "I don't want the verdict to lead to any anti feeling towards Muslims. One of my fears, and I imagine my mother's also, will be that this results in any sort of resentment towards Muslim people."

No, that would never do, would it, John? They lock up your mom in a filthy rat-infested dungeon for what was obviously an honest mistake and your biggest fear is that someone will feel resentment towards them.

You know, my biggest fear, John? My biggest fear is that there are enough whimpering poltroons like yourself in the Western world to turn our civilization to mush — the way political correctness has turned your brain to mush.

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04 — Saving the world … for Ugandans and Afghans.     While Ms Gibbons' son was begging the Muslims to give his mom a good thrashing — and to give him one too, please if it wouldn't be too much trouble — one of his fellow Brits announced that she had had her tubes tied to save the world.

Ms Tony Verelli of Somerset, England had herself sterilized at age 27 to reduce her carbon footprint. Now aged 35, Tony, who works for — what else would she work for? — an environmental charity tells us that she and her first husband, quote, "both passionately wanted to save the planet, not produce a new life which would only add to the problem." Hubby obligingly had a vasectomy, but the marriage fell apart anyway.

Terry [sic] then slept around a bit, and to her horror she got pregnant. An abortion and the aforementioned sterilization then followed.

Now settled with hubby number two, who I assume is also firing blanks, Terry declares, quote:

We have a much nicer lifestyle as a result of not having children every year. We also take a nice holiday. We've just come back from South Africa. We feel we can have one long-haul flight a year as we are vegan and childless, thereby greatly reducing our carbon footprint and combating overpopulation.

South Africa, eh? Let me help you out with those holiday vacations, Terry. Next time you feel like a trip away from jolly old England where the fertility rate is 1.87 children per woman's lifetime, how about visiting Uganda where it's 6.84, or Afghanistan where it's 6.64, or the Gaza Strip at 5.64, or Paraguay at 3.84.

With fertility statistics like that, after all, the chances are these are the people whose descendants will inherit the earth. Your descendants certainly won't, Terry, because, uh, you won't have any. See?

Go on. Go take a trip and meet the people whose grandchildren will be living in your house.

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05 — Aussies go sensitive.     Down under there in Sydney, Australia, a firm that trains and supplies department-store Santa Clauses has instructed its trainees that the traditional "Ho ho ho" could be, quote, "derogatory to women." Aspiring Santas, says the firm, should greet kiddies with a more sensitive "Ha ha ha."

Well, who would have thought that hip hop could have spread its vile contagion all the way down to the antipodes. Strewth! It's enough to make a feller choke on his frosted Fosters and park a tiger on the rug.

Excuse me. I should explain that — for the benefit of all you Yank bastards — that I've slipped into Oz dialect for the remainder of this segment. If that's too much for you, just just take a break. Go pop a couple of shrimps on the barbie, or point Percy at the porcelain.

Well, I think the Aussies will be able to stomach "Ha ha ha" without going into chunder mode, but if the Santas start saying "He, he, he," they'll be taken for a bunch of flaming poofters and chased off up the old billabong before you can say "wacko the diddle-oh." I mean, fair suck of the old sauce-bottle there, Bluey.

[Clip: Peter Dawson singing "Waltzing Matilda."]

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06 — U.S. Army goes gay.     Retired Brigadier General Keith Kerr plugged into this week's Presidential debate to ask the candidates, quote: "Why do you think that American men and women in uniform are not professional enough to serve with gays and lesbians?"

Nice way to put it, General. Next question: "Why do you think the American people are such ignorant, cross-burning, knuckle-dragging racists they can't tolerate giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens?"

I mean, what's the candidate supposed to say? "Well, the reason I think our uniformed military people are too stupid and amateurish to serve with homosexuals is …"?

It then later turned out that General Kerr is head of some policy group in Hillary Clinton's campaign pushing for homosexual rights.

That the Clinton campaign is giving office space to homosexual-rights groups is no surprise. That they would plant someone in a Republican debate as an undercover shill to ask an unanswerable question is also no surprise. That when the shield was unmasked, the Clintonoids would deny any knowledge of the operation is also no surprise.

What is a surprise is that the U.S. Army had a gay General. A gay General — who knew?

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07 — Did we kill the cosmos?     You've been worrying about global warming, I know you have. Well, here's something bigger to worry about. We might have accidentally shortened the lifetime of the universe. Of the universe.

You see, one feature of quantum mechanics is that systems can be in indeterminate states. They can be in many, many different possible states superimposed on each other until some human being makes an observation. Then the system decides which state it wants to be in.

Now that's only supposed to happen way down at the quantum level in the micro-microscopic world. But that's where the whole universe was, way back in the very earliest nanoseconds of its existence, when it was all packed together in a teeny tiny volume.

As it expanded to be the way we see it now, some of those quantum effects stuck around, including the business about indeterminate states. So back in 1998 when some cosmologists made the first observations of a mysterious stuff called dark energy left over from the Big Bang, their act of observation caused the universe to say, "Okay, I'm not going to live as long as you thought I would."

Well, something like that. Do I really understand this stuff? Frankly, no, but the physicists don't either, really, so I'm not going to feel too bad about it. As Richard Feynman said: If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don't.

Or as J.B.S. Haldane said: "The universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose." Rather, then, like the senior command of the U.S. Army, I guess.

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08 — Mitt's illegal alien hire.     So Mitt Romney had an illegal alien working on his property. How bad is that?

Not very bad, and I speak as a person who wants illegals rounded up and deported in bus convoys. A guy with as much money as Romney has is gonna have a lot of property which is going to need a lot of contractors to keep it in shape. If one of those contractors is aiding and abetting illegal immigration, he's committing an offense and the feds ought to prosecute him. They should prosecute everyone found to be doing so, to the fullest extent of their powers. Then contractors will think twice before doing it.

The central issue in illegal immigration — the only issue really — is the failure of our federal government to enforce the people's laws. Everything springs from that.

I'm an immigration hawk, but I can't get heated about Rudy's sanctuary policies when he was Mayor, or Mitt's contractor's illegal hire. Which one of these guys, if he gets his hands on the office of Chief Executive, which one of them will vigorously and unapologetically enforce federal immigration law? That's what I want to know.

To be frank, I'm not convinced that either Rudy or Mitt will, and John McCain sure as hell won't. If we keep yelling at them, they might get it, but I don't really believe any of them has got it yet.

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09 — Middle East peace? Watch your wallet.     Henry Kissinger used to tell his staff that if he ever showed signs of getting interested in the Cyprus problem, they should put them in a strait-jacket. I think our Presidents should give some similar advice to their people about Middle East peace conferences.

There just seems to be this irresistible temptation to whoever is in the White House to get the head Arab honcho and the head Israeli honcho together for a photo op in the Rose Garden, the two honchos standing just close enough that they can shake hands if they bend over at ninety degrees and lean forward a bit; the beaming President with his arms spread wide over them like the Rio de Janeiro Jesus statue; the big Arab and the big Israeli smiling at each other through clenched teeth; the journalists' flashbulbs a-popping; you know the scene.

If you listen very carefully, in the background of that scene you can hear a kind of swishing, rushing sound. That's the sound of money pouring out from your pockets and mine, Joe Citizen, to pay the bribes … oh, sorry: I mean the, uh, the aid packages that our President has promised to these two guys in return for the photo op.

Oh yes, this'll cost us. And when the swishing sound has died down, when the very last ker-ching! has died away, the Arab mobs will still be screaming for the annihilation of Israel and the Israeli settlements will still be sitting there in the West Bank.

So what happened in this conference? Well, Mahmoud Abbas, he's the leader of the corrupt-as-hell but bribable Palestinian party — the other one being Hamas, which is the in-corrupt but crazy-as-coots party — Abbas said he'd definitely try to do something or other if Hamas would let him, which unfortunately they probably wouldn't.

The Israeli leader Ehud Olmert said things would definitely have to change and he was cool with that, but only when the Palestinians had done the other thing.

And the Middle East peace process marches on.

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10 — Signoff.     There you have it, Radio Derb listeners: folly and futility, mayhem and madness, another week here on planet Earth.

Tune in again next week for more of the same from your one, your only reliable source for all the news that matters — Radio Derb!

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[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]