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[Music clip: Haydn's Derbyshire Marches.]
01 — Intro. Greetings, Radio Derb listeners. That was one of Haydn's Derbyshire marches, and this is your genial host John Derbyshire, here to escort you through another week of laughter and lunacy, courtesy of National Review Online. The ON AIR light is flashing, the sound engineers are at their stations, our producer is giving me the signal, and we're ready to go!
02 — Title IX follies. I'm sure that Radio Derb listeners, well-informed as you are, know about the 1972 law commonly referred to as Title Nine. Just to remind you, the law says, quote: "No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance," end quote. Title IX is notorious for having killed off many college athletics programs. Since women don't want to play college baseball, for example, and since a college that had only men playing baseball would face a big fat Title Nine federal lawsuit, college baseball is wellnigh extinct. The words of the Act as I read them, though, don't even mention sports. The Act applies to any educational activity or program. If a college physics program, for example, only has 20 percent female enrolment, well, what's that if not discrimination? Since, as we all know, women would flock into physics programs if not held back by the cynical, self-serving manipulations of the cruel and oppressive patriarchy. Now we read in a news item here that the National Science Foundation, NASA and the Department of Energy have set up programs to seek out sexual discrimination at our universities. Investigators are taking inventories of lab space and interviewing faculty members and students in physics and engineering departments at schools like Columbia, the University of Wisconsin, M.I.T. and the University of Maryland. Now, as Richard Spencer over at Taki's Magazine points out, Art History departments are 95 to 100 percent either females or gay males. The Art History department at Duke, for example, has 35 fully-funded grad students. 29 of them, to judge by their names, are women. Will the National Endowment for the Humanities be conducting a Title Nine investigation to remedy this disgraceful situation? As Richard Spencer says: Don't be holding your breath.
03 — Obama does Europe. Barack Obama sets off on a foreign tour next week, starting in Berlin. The idea for Berlin was to remind everyone that Obama, like John F. Kennedy, is a youngish U.S. Senator with diddley-squat in the way of executive experience but a really winning smile and a good line in fluffy Emersonian rhetoric about hope, opportunity, bearing any burden, paying any price, the trumpet summons us, and all the rest of that gaseous pap. Obama's taking a few slight risks here. His efforts to acquire a fake Boston-Brahmin accent to go with his collection of other fake accents, like the fake homeboy accent he uses with black audiences, may come to nought — you pretty much have to be born in Boston to talk the way they do. It might occur to some watchers also that running a daycare center in Chicago, or whatever it was Obama did in that brief spell between Columbia and Harvard, is not quite as impressive as having a PT boat sunk under you by enemy action. Still, jolly good luck to the senator. Come back to us soon, dear leader! As Horace implored the mighty Augustus: Lucem redde tuae, dux bone, patriae; instar veris enim vultus ubi tuus adfulsit populo, gratior it dies, et soles melius nitent. "The torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans — tempered by community organizing, disciplined by a hard and bitter struggle to figure out how black we are, proud of our country for the first time in our lives, and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those affirmative action privileges …"
04 — Chess boxing. In other news from Berlin, congratulations to 19-year-old Nikolai Sazhin, who this week won the world championship of chess boxing, a sport in which, quote from the Associated Press report, which I'm hoping is not a hoax, "combatants switch back and forth between boxing and chess — repeatedly putting their gloves on and taking them off, so that they can move the pieces around the board without clumsily knocking them over." End quote. Hm. It was Marcus Aurelius, I think, who said that life is more like wrestling than dancing. Looking back on my own life, I'd have to say that chess boxing is a better metaphor than either wrestling or dancing. Be that as it may, it seems to me this is a trend that could catch on. Watch out for bridge tennis, cribbage pool, and backgammon basketball. For those with oriental inclinations, karate go; or for us sedentary older types, scrabble bowling. Scrabble bowling! — I could go for that. Any challengers?
05 — Israeli prisoner release. Meet the Arab world's new hero: 45-year-old Samir Kantar. Mr. Kantar was freed this week from an Israeli prison, as part of an exchange in which Israel got the remains of two of its soldiers back. Kantar had been in prison since 1979, when he was captured by the Israelis after carrying out a heroic action against an Israeli family. He broke into the family's house in the middle of the night, killed the husband of the family in front of his 4-year-old daughter, then heroically clubbed the little girl to death with his rifle butt. The girl's mother and 2-year-old sister hid in a crawl space, and the 2-year-old was accidentally suffocated by the mother's attempts to keep her quiet. Samir Kantar is, in other words, a typical hero of the Palestinian cause. On arrival in Lebanon after his release, he was greeted by cheering crowds, and introduced by Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah. Samir Kantar made an eloquent little speech to the adoring multitude, saying, quote: "Thank God we arrived at this day; this day of victory, never to return to a day of defeat. Thank God who gave me strength … and who always gave me hope in moments of weaknesses … Thank God who gave me the ability to endure, challenge and face imprisonment. Thank God (who) resurrected in this country a resistance, this great Islamic resistance." End quote. Well, you can thank God all you like, pal, but lots of luck getting anyone to sell you a life insurance policy now that you're at large.
06 — McDonald's fined for illegals. Some cheering news on the law-enforcement front: A company that owns 11 McDonald's restaurants in Nevada was fined one million dollars this week after pleading guilty to knowingly employing 58 illegal immigrants. A former vice president of the firm pleaded guilty to inducing an illegal alien to remain in the U.S.A. and he faces a possible sentence of up to five years in prison and a 250,000 dollar fine, which is letting him off lightly, far as I'm concerned. Not only did the firm knowingly employ the illegals, it even helped them to steal the names and social security numbers of citizens. Amongst other things, this confirms the suspicions a lot of us have had about McDonald's chains and franchises. It's all kind of a shame, though. Those of us who were around in the seventies have a sentimental attachment to McDonalds, the first of the big fast-food chains we ever patronized. I can still say: "Two all beef patties special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun." Matter of fact, I can say it in Chinese: 雙層純牛肉, 獨特醬料加生菜, 起司洋蔥酸黃瓜, 芝麻麵包蓋上去. It's always sad to see mementoes of one's salad days, if you'll pardon the expression, dragged through the dirt, but McDonalds have only themselves to blame. Our own Mark Krikorian tells us that McDonald's is widely believed to be the company with the largest number of no-matches — that is, W-2s filed by the employer that have fake or mismatched Social Security numbers. You can't be sure because the Social Security Administration report on no-matches doesn't name names, but strong circumstantial evidence points to McDonald's as the nation's biggest scofflaw. As Mark says, quote: "If this prompts McDonald's into doing what Dunkin' Donuts did a couple of years ago, and requiring use of the E-Verify system in all franchise and company stores, it would have a big impact." End quote. E-verify is like when a store swipes your credit card, only it's done with a social security card. Stores have been swiping credit cards for thirty years, and now government is catching up. Thirty years is just the blink of an eye in government time, of course. Well done, guys. You deserve a break today.
07 — Mak Erot, enhancer, R.i.P. It is with great sadness that Radio Derb records the passing of Mak Erot, an Indonesian lady. In Indonesia you just get one name, and that was hers: Mak Erot. Not Mrs. Mak or Mrs. Erot, just Mak Erot. I know, you never heard of Mak Erot, but she was famous throughout Asia. What was she famous for? That's a little tricky to explain on a family podcast. Suffice it to say that she was famous for making longer what was felt by its owner, invariably a human male, to be not long enough. Mak Erot performed these miracles of lengthening by a combination of herbs and Islamic prayers. She began her career attending to the Japanese soldiers who occupied Indonesia in WW2. Starting from there, her business grew and grew: and if you think this topic is sort of gruesome, let me tell you, Mak Erot definitely grew some. Well, so it is said, anyway. Personally I think the whole story is a bit of a stretch. Now Mak Erot is dead, aged a hundred and something — nobody knows exactly how long she lived, though no doubt she … wished it was longer. Her herbal recipes and the wording of her special prayers were closely guarded secrets; but fortunately for the under-endowed of Asia, she passed them on to her grandson before she died. He has now taken over the family business there in Jakarta, and I hear that his list of clients just keeps getting longer and longer.
08 — Special Rapporteur Dou-dou. Radio Derb was one of the first to break the news, several weeks ago, that Mr. Dou-dou Diene, a lawyer from the West African country of Senegal, acting as the United Nations Special Rapporteur on racism, was to tour the U.S.A. to report on racism in our country. Well, it is with joy that I now report that Dou-dou — I hope nobody will mind my referring to the Special Rapporteur by his first name: it's a way of showing honor and friendly respect in Senegal, I have been told — Dou-dou has completed his tour of inspection. I hope someone was following him round with a scooper. Dou-dou is now preparing a report for the U.N. General Assembly next spring. What will he report? What do you think? Dou-dou, it says in the news report here, quote, "focused on U.S. shortcomings such as re-segregation of minority communities. The expert on racism … cited racial bias in the criminal justice system and talked about how underfunding of public education plays a role in deepening racial inequality." End quote. In the course of his visit, which I do not need to tell you was at the invitation of the federal government, in the course of his visit, Dou-dou went to New York City, Chicago, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Miami, Puerto Rico and Washington, DC. In Miami, he heard testimony from Sofian Abdelaziz Zakkout, director of the American Muslim Association, who discussed issues related to immigration, racial profiling and discrimination against the dress of Muslim women. You know Muslim women — they're the ones who aren't allowed to drive, and who are clubbed to death by their male relatives if they smile at an infidel. Wait a minute, though: is Islam a race? Isn't it actually, like, a religion? I mean, isn't Cat Stevens a white guy? Oh, what the heck. When do we get to send a Special Rapporteur to Senegal, to see if these figures I'm looking at are really true: Infant mortality 60 per one thousand, life expectancy at birth 57 years, unemployment rate 48 percent, GDP per capita $1,700. I wonder what proportion of Senegal's population would come live in racist, Islamophobic America if they could. My rough guess: 99 percent.
09 — WTF license plates. OMG! Or possibly LOL! Down in North Carolina, the Department of Motor Vehicles has gotten itself into a spot of bother. See, they've been issuing license plates to motorists with license numbers generated randomly by computer. Well, the computer generated several thousand plates containing the letter combination WTF. Not only that, but the department's web page featured one such plate as an example, with license number WTF-5505. Apparently — don't ask me, I have never sent a text message in my life — apparently WTF is favored by text messagers as a way of expressing baffled surprise. Well, the DMV got on the case PDQ, and motorists in the Tar Heel state who don't want to have WTF license plates can exchange them free of charge. What the heck was that department thinking of?
10 — Racist toddlers. If you still don't believe that the multi-culturalist project is Leninist totalitarianism in thin disguise, listen to this. Over there in the nation of my birth ["Rule Britannia" clip] there is an outfit that rejoices in the name National Children's Bureau. It's not exactly a government department, but it gets a lot of government money — around twenty million dollars, as near as I can figure. Well, the NCB has issued a 366-page "guide" for people who are in charge of preschoolers — that is, child-minders, people who run day-care centers, play-group leaders, and the like. The report is titled Young Children and Racial Justice. The report says that toddlers as young as three should be scolded for "racist" attitudes. An example of such an attitude would be saying "yuk" to foreign food. A toddler who says "yuk" to foreign food is racist, you see. The report encourages child-minders to report as many racist incidents as possible to local councils for further action — which I suppose means that these racist tots will get a visit from the police. The report also suggests cultivating the home languages of new immigrants. Quote: "English is now viewed as the major language of the world but this is not because it has any innate linguistic advantages — it is because English is the language of power in a world dominated by English-speaking peoples." End quote. Oh: the report also says that anyone who disagrees with its recommendations must themselves be racist. Wow! I was so shocked when I read this story in the London Daily Mail, I got on the phone to my sister over there to see if it was true. Unfortunately she wasn't able to tell me. At the time I called, she was just on her way out the door to go and attend a Two Minutes Hate session down at the local Anti-Racism Centre. [More "Rule Britannia"]
11 — Bill Clinton for Obama? In the don't-call-us-we'll-call-you department, ex-President Bill Clinton has declared that he is now ready to campaign for Barack Obama. Well, what he actually said, the way I heard it, was, quote: "I am eager to campaign for Barack Hussein Obama in any district of the country where Barack Hussein Obama feels that his gratuitous insults to working-class white people have turned voters off. I will also be glad to speak on Senator Barack Hussein Obama's behalf to the many women's organizations that he has scorned and humiliated in his efforts to ensure that there will be no female president in our lifetime." End quote. Senator Obama has responded by saying that he has put ex-President Clinton's name on his list of approved campaign speakers right next to Jesse Jackson's.
12 — Dogs of Peking. Mixed news for dogs in Peking as the Olympics approach. On the one hand, the city authorities have banned the sale of dog-meat and dishes made from dog for the duration of the Olympics, so as not to offend the sensibilities of visiting foreigners. The authorities in Seoul, South Korea, did the same for the 1988 Olympics, you may recall. On the other hand, longstanding rules on dog ownership are being strictly enforced as part of the general tidy-up the city is undergoing. Dogs taller than 14 inches are officially banned in Peking, and if your pooch exceeds that height, he's going to get swept up by the dog patrols and will very soon find himself drinking from God's toilet. So Peking will be free of dog-meat dishes, but also free of tall dogs, at least for the duration of the Olympics. It will also be free of dissidents, defined to mean anyone who the authorities even think might cause any trouble. The category includes, most recently, two Catholic priests, Zhang Jianlin and Zhang Li, who have been hustled off into labor camps along with other troublemakers. The ChiComs like to tell you that when European powers had their "foreign concessions" in Shanghai back in the 1920s, one park in the British zone had a sign at the entrance saying NO DOGS OR CHINESE PERMITTED. It is in fact highly doubtful that any such sign ever existed. The only known records of it are photographs put out by the skilled PhotoShoppers over at Party Propaganda headquarters. Still, the story might give the ChiComs some ideas. How about signs all around Peking saying NO DOGS, DISSIDENTS, TIBETANS, UIGHURS, FALUN GONG PRACTITIONERS, OR CATHOLIC PRIESTS PERMITTED?
13 — Signoff. There you have it, ladies and gents, lightly seasoned with some foreign languages — one classical, one modern, good enough I hope to satisfy our multilingual Democratic nominee presumptive. I guess I should throw in some Spanish, too, ready for those compulsory Spanish classes we'll all have to attend down at the community center when Wonder Boy becomes president. It's going to be tough finding the time, what with the 20 hours of compulsory community service we'll have to do each week under the Michelle Obama Act. Though I guess with all those evil corporations shut down, there won't be much else to do.
[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]