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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]
01 — Intro. That was one of Franz Josef Haydn's Derbyshire marches, and this is your irrepressibly genial host John Derbyshire reporting to you once again from National Review's state-of-the-art sound studio up here on the 95th floor of Buckley Towers in the heart of Manhattan. Many listeners have commented on our new policy of including commercials in Radio Derb broadcasts. Some of you consider that these promotional clips sully the purity, the spare elegance, of our broadcasts. Other listeners are gratified to know that by tuning in to Radio Derb, they are helping to increase the revenue flow into their favorite conservative web magazine. Others want to know why we aren't running ads like those they see on their favorite Fox News show: for automobiles, Caribbean cruises, and erectile dysfunction medications. Another group of listeners is demanding ads for more conservative-themed products: firearms, pickup trucks, Ann Coulter books, and oggetti religiosi. On all these listeners, I urge patience. It's a long climb to the top of the ratings charts, and we have barely scaled the foothills yet. We'll get there, though, and one day soon all those succulent ad revenues will drain away from O'Reilly, Hannity, and Dobbs into the coffers of Radio Derb. It's just a matter of time. Mighty oaks from little acorns grow … and before anyone can shout "Nuts!" here is the Derb Report for this second full week of April.
02 — Napolitano on the border. Our Secretary for Homeland
Security, Janet Napolitano, has hit
the ground running. She is determined to make the homeland secure, and is launching initiatives all over the place.
To begin with, Secretary
Napolitano has identified the two great looming threats to our security: Canada, and our own conservatives. On the
first of those, she told a
symposium at the Brookings Institution last month that the administration will take steps to make the U.S.-Canadian
border more secure. From June
1st this year, Canadians will have to show a passport when entering the U.S.A. This is great news for us immigration
restrictionists. It offers
the hope that the flow of Canadian high-school dropouts into our northern states will at last be stanched. American
citizens in Montana and
Minnesota will no longer have to wait in line at the hospital emergency desk behind people named Mackenzie and Tweed
using it as their primary
health-care service. Schoolteachers in Washington State will no longer have to waste their time dealing with kids who
think the last letter of the
alphabet is called "zed." Loggers in Maine will no longer have their wages undercut by illegal Quebecois
labor. The streets of
Fargo and Boise will no longer be terrorized by gangs like the dreaded Moose Marauders or the even more dreaded MS-13.
("MS" of course
standing for Manitoba and Saskatchewan, 13 being the average number of years you have to wait for hip replacement
surgery in Toronto.) Perhaps we'll
even be able to dispense with those annoying phone menus that tell you to press 2 if you prefer to hear the word
"aboot." Yes, this may be the first step to reclaiming America from invading hordes speaking
And then … there is the menace of conservatism. Oh boy — this needs a Radio Derb segment all to itself.
03 — Napolitano on the conservative menace. Yes, the Intelligence and Analysis office of the Department of Homeland Security produced a report for distribution to law enforcement officials nationwide, warning that right-wing extremists, fired up by the recession and by the election of a black president, may go on a rampage, blowing up government buildings as Timothy McVeigh did back in 1995 — just fourteen years ago this weekend. McVeigh was a decorated veteran — he'd won the Bronze Star in the first Gulf War — and perhaps with that in mind, this DHS report warned law enforcement officers to be particularly on the lookout for returned servicemen, since those are people with good firearms and explosives training yet of such low intelligence they are easy dupes for the prowling recruiters of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. Quote from the report: "The willingness of a small percentage of military personnel to join extremist groups during the 1990s because they were disgruntled, disillusioned or suffering from the psychological effects of war is being replicated today," end quote. Among the report's other warnings was one that extremist groups are stockpiling weapons, from fear that the Obamarrhoids might tear up the Second Amendment; and then another warning that amnesty for illegal immigrants could anger people who fear more competition for jobs. Quote: "Rightwing extremism … may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration." End quote. This is the clearest illustration yet of the essentially totalitarian nature of our political Left. If you are not open borders, pro-choice, hostile to firearms ownership, and anti-military, you are likely a terrorist. Napolitano is being slapped down pretty hard as we go on the air. The commander of the American Legion has asked for her resignation. That's not going to happen — the entire administration, including the President, would have to resign, as they all think just like Napolitano. They'll just learn to be a little more discreet about their feelings towards us, the Great Unwashed, while quietly working away to advance the politicization of law enforcement. These people are out to crush conservatism, and don't think the law enforcement authorities are on our side. With enough political pressure, police and FBI will buckle, as they have in Britain, and become eager enforcers of the PC state. Stand by your liberties: speak up at every outrage: give some financial help to groups you agree with: don't go quietly into the darkness and silence.
04 — Tom Tancredo ragged. Speaking of financial help for groups you agree with, you might take a look at Team America, the political action committee set up by Representative Tom Tancredo and Bay Buchananan, sister of Pat, dedicated to agitating for secure borders and orderly immigration. They have a website at www.teamamericapac.org, and they'll be glad to take your contribution. I mention this in the context of the latest outrage from Academia: the ragging of Tom Tancredo by a gang of open-borders lunatics when Tom tried to give a speech at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Protestors shouted Tom down, held up a banner in front of his face, and broke a window near his head. When police were called, the open-borders people assaulted them, and the police had to use pepper spray and batons. The first instinct of the leftist administration at UNC was of course to play down the whole incident and try to make sure that Tom Tancredo never got invited on campus again. However, we all know what really matters to university administrators, even more than their own leftist, anti-American convictions. [Ker-ching] Yep, it's the endowment. When angry calls from alumni started pouring in, UNC administrators felt obliged to extrude some weaselly words of regret. "It was embarrassing," weaseled Chapel Hill Chancellor Holden Thorp. Thorp said further that he was "disappointed," and promised a "full investigation." Well, that's encouraging. Since the whole outrageous incident was cuaght on film, no doubt this "full investigation" will lead to some of these student Brownshirts being expelled, right? [Laughter] Don't get mad, listeners, get even. Do what I did: go to the website for Tom's PAC and send 'em a hundred bucks. Once again, it's www.teamamericapac.org.
05 — Tea parties. A segment or two ago I urged you not to go
quietly into the long night of
despotism. As a wonderful, stirring example of
not going quietly, there were
the Tea Parties of April 15th. Tens of thousands of citizens all over the country demonstrated against the
ever-swelling power of government, and
the ever-bigger bites it is taking out of our personal wealth, through taxation and inflation. These events are of
course inspired by the
Boston Tea Party of 1773. As signs that the old American love of liberty and independence is not quite dead yet, they
whole-hearted support of Radio Derb. On the other hand, as a sign that the old American love of liberty and
independence is very sick indeed, note
that the Boston protestors of 236 years ago raised the cry: "No taxation without representation!" The Tea
Party protestors of our time
don't have that cry available to them. We do have representation. The destruction of freedom and prosperity
is proceeding with the full
support of our elected representatives in Congress, under the leadership of a President easily elected by a majority of
voters. The resonable
deduction is, that either the American people are not what they were, or that there are deep systemic problems in our
political system. Or both
(which is my opinion).
Not everyone approved the Tea Party protests, of course. Congresscritter Jan Schakowsky of, let's see, oh — Chicago, of course … Congressperson Schakowsky thinks it's, quote, "despicable" and, quote, "shameful" for citizens to make these protests when the saintly Barack Obama, also from, let's see — right, from Chicago, when President Obama is working night and day to reduce taxes on 95 percent of citizens while creating 3.5 million new jobs. Er, Mr. Producer, could we have some Chicago music, please? [Clip from "Chicago, Chicago."] Thank you. Says the lady from Chicago, Chicago, that toddlin' town, quote: "It's despicable that right-wing Republicans would attempt to cheapen a significant, honorable moment of American history with a shameful political stunt. Not a single American household or business will be taxed at a higher rate this year," end quote. But Congresslady, if we're not to be taxed any more, how is this two trillion dollar deficit, all these vast bailout and stimulus packages — how is it all going to be paid for? The money has to come from somewhere, doesn't it? I mean, if the government just prints it, without any increase in taxation, won't that bring on inflation, destroying my savings? Or if the government just sells bonds to cover it all, assuming they can find anyone willing to buy the bonds, won't those bonds have to be redeemed by our kids eventually? And isn't this just what the tea party protestors are protesting?
A footnote here: Representative Schakowsky's husband Robert Creamer, also from Chicago, knows all about taxation. Three years ago he was sentenced to five months in the federal pen, followed by 11 months house arrest, for bank and tax fraud. Ah, Chicago — has any city done so much to bring honor, dignity, and integrity to our national life?
06 — Israel deports illegals. For a glimpse of the horrors that may be in store should a right-wing government ever come to power in the U.S.A., take a look at Israel, where it's recently happened. Latest news from over there is that the government of Benjamin Netanyahu is going to deport [scream], yes deport, 100,000 illegal aliens. Listen to the vile, nativist hatred being spewed by Israel's head immigration official Yaakov Ganot, quote: "It is unacceptable that factories are closing, Israeli workers are fired, Israeli fathers cannot support their children and meanwhile tens of thousands of foreigners are working illegally in Israel." End quote. Did you ever hear such shameless racist ranting from the government of a supposedly civilized nation? Don't Netanyahu and his colleagues know all the sound economic arguments for unrestricted immigration? Haven't they heard about the limitless benefits of diversity? Have they never heard the slogan: "Nobody is illegal"? Shame on these heartless nativist brutes! I expect to hear of a strong diplomatic protest by our government against these disgraceful deportations of people who are, after all, just trying to put falafel on their families. Come on, listeners — make your voices heard, call your congressman. We can stop this outrage — yes, we can! ¡Sí se puede! …
07 — Capitalism, socialism. The Rasmussen polling organization did
a nationwide survey to see
whether Americans prefer capitalism over socialism. The answer is, we prefer capitalism … but not by much.
53 percent of those polled
say capitalism is better, 20 percent say socialism is better, and 27 percent had no clue. What any of that means, is a
mystery to me. What do the
words "capitalism" and "socialism" mean in the early 21st century, anyway? Is socialism still the
public ownership of the means
of production, distribution, and exchange? There's some of that in every country. Is capitalism private
enterprise, with profits accruing
to owners or stockholders? There's some of that in every country, too, except maybe in North Korea and Cuba.
How much state ownership do
you have before you're officially a socialist country? How much private enterprise, before you're a capitalist
country? Milton Friedman famously
enthused about what a marvelous experiment in raw capitalism Hong Kong was from the sixties to the nineties, with free
trade, low taxes, no
industrial policy, and so on. I was living in Hong Kong around the middle of that stretch, and I could have told
Milton Friedman, if he'd asked me,
that sixty percent of the population lived in housing owned or subsidized by the government, basic medical care was
free, and so was primary
education. I could also have told him that people in Hong Kong grumbled constantly about the lack of social security,
unemployment and disability relief, and all the other appurtenances of the welfare state.
People want some socialism — people everywhere, though the appetite for socialism is different in different countries. We Americans flatter ourselves that the appetite is lower here than in any other big nation, and that this accounts for our prosperity and might. The Obama administration is gambling on the belief that Americans want more socialism that they currently have. Are they right? We'll find out; but I note that Obama did, after all, get elected. So did this left-wing, socialism-friendly Congress. There must be something there a lot of people like the look of — a lot of us, as in, more than the 20 percent who told Rasmussen they prefer socialism. In these times, with the financial system trembling and cracking, people think there's security for them in expanding the welfare state and tightening government control on business. When was the last time you heard anyone talk about privatizing Social Security?
The case conservatives have to make is that the calamities of the last few months were caused not by too little political interference in the economy, but by too much — by government leaning on banks to relax lending standards in the name of "diversity," for example, and by congresscritters like Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Maxine Waters trying to supervise things they didn't even understand, and by the George W. Bush administration's enthusiasm for reckless spending and foreign wars. If banks had been left alone to lend or not lend according to strict and impartial credit standards, we'd have been spared a lot of grief. If politicians had established simple, clear rules for investment banking and derivative trading, and left the financial industry to get on with it, deregulation might have worked. Now even Glass-Steagall is looking like a pretty good idea. If President Bush had expressed a firm opinion against bloated budgets, and vetoed every spending bill that crossed his desk, and quit Iraq and Afghanistan when the punitive point had been made, we'd be in better shape. Politics is the enemy of economics, always and everywhere. Of course you have to have some politics, just as people insist on some level of welfare provision; but conservatives should make the case that we have far too much politics, and that a bigger welfare state will only, inevitably, give us more still. The business of America is business.
08 — Idol sensation. I've got to confess, I've never seen a single episode of American Idol. I know who Simon and Paula are by cultural osmosis, but I couldn't tell you anything much about them, or the name of a single winner of this talent show — which is what I understand it to be. I refuse to feel bad about this, on the grounds that Simon, Paula, and the rest probably don't listen to Radio Derb. I'll tune into their show when they tune into mine, all right? I did catch that YouTube clip of the 47-year-old Scottish spinster stealing the show with that sentimental song about having a dream. It all looked like a put-up job to me. I mean, I have this picture of some studio technician prepping the audience: "Now we want you all to groan and roll your eyes when she first comes on, then whoop and holler with appreciation when she hits her high notes. That makes for a nice story, you see …" Am I being too cynical here? I certainly hope so. It's not a bad thing to know when your emotions are being manipulated; or, when in doubt, to make the cynical assumption. This is a fallen world, you know. I wouldn't begrudge anyone their fifteen minutes of fame, though, so I hope the lady enjoys it while it lasts. Life must get pretty dull up there in West Lothian.
09 — Victory over pirates. Heroes of the week are the U.S. Navy snipers who picked off three Somali pirates simultaneously from a platform that was pitching, rolling, and very likely yawing too, on the high seas. That really takes some doing. As a slightly below average shot with a rifle myself, I can't sufficiently express my admiration for the level of skill here. The administration continues to waffle about the larger pirate threat, though, instead of doing what should be done — carpet-bombing the pirates land bases to oblivion, while cutting off all aid to Somalia. Total Fertility Rate in Somalia is 6.6, fourth highest in the world. There are plenty more pirates where these came from, and the more aid we send to the wretched place, the more yet there will be. There is nothing we can do to give Somalia a civil society, a sane political system, and a productive economy. What we can do is make it clear to Somalis that messing with our ships will bring them a lot of pain. That should be the core of our policy. Our policy will have been successful when Somali pirates who see an American-flagged ship speed off as fast as they can in the opposite direction.
10 — Signoff. That's it for this week, Radio Derb fans. Congratulations once again to those brilliant Navy snipers; all strength to Tom Tancredo in his fight for secure national borders; thanks to the Tea Party protestors for stirring up what needs stirring up, and especially to Michelle Malkin for doing so much to help get the movement going; and fie! fie! on Janet Napolitano and the weasels at UNC Chapel Hill administration! The Republic has survived another week, somehow. More from Radio Derb next week, if the Obamarroids haven't shut us down by then.
[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]